The Hyperlicious Kaiju of Hyper

[HyperGFreak]

Name: Herxthanc

Height: 32 meters on all fours/75 meters somewhat bipedal

Length: 85 meters on all fours

Mass: 90,000 tons

Description:

Yet another E.T. of mine, Herxthanc’s a wonderful alien toy to play with. How so? First of all, his head is that of a furry, deadly predator – perhaps a wolf, but that is not accurate enough. It has stringy, brownish hair that is thrown violently back, and perhaps the overall shape of a jaguar’s, only with elfin, sharpened ears. However, his form undergoes a violent change as it heads back. The maw is draconian, not the stretched and stressed one of a yowling cat's, though, and it has long, snake-like fangs. Over all of these are several whitish bony armor plates, snaking over his maw to crisscross on the upper and lower parts and to jut back around in a mane of spines.

Normally, Herxthanc is a beast that enjoys being on all fours, but he can go somewhat bipedal, like Anguirus, if needed. His body is supple and lupine at first glance; however, the back is ridged with violent bony protrusions that are shaped like a triangle with the tip kicked to the rear hard, about twenty to thirty meters in length, that resemble that of the Digimon guy. SkullGreyMon, was he not? These spines grow wider in layers as they go lower towards the back. The back of him slants out to the side, and aside from the underbelly of his body, which is furry, the rest is ridged armor. If this description is hard to understand, look at it this way: Herxthanc has a sort of house or triangular prism of whitish bone on his back, only this juts out and back in multiple triangular-shaped spears as it goes. On each side of the bony protrusions are rows upon rows of ten-meter spines, though, so the ridges are only visible on the sides. Herxthanc has a triad of whippy tails, all of which are extremely bony and metallic-looking, and which can spin in many directions simultaneously. Herxthanc’s tails are jagged spears, with four crests, one on each side, and end in Gigan-like blades, only more elongated and without the curve.

Herxthanc’s hind legs are very strong and springy, and are also armored. The muscles bulge outwards with ease, with protective plating jutting out of it, and the toes can splay out in three-taloned feet whose toes themselves are curved. His front limbs, however, are still furry, and they end in splayed, four-fingered talons. These function the way Angurus uses them in G:STE, only more dextrous. These, aside from able to rip people apart, can also flip together into a powerful Megalon-style, elongated drill. These can also spin around and stab into people.

Attacks:

Venom Injection: If Herxthanc bites someone, they suffer a severe poisoning wound – not only are they temporarily paralyzed, they also start oozing blood from all available orifices. However, this uses some of his vital savings when he bites them, and he must wait a while before spamming it again on the innocent victims.

Alien Energy Orb: A misty, flecking blast of greenish energy expelled from the maw. About as powerful as one of SpaceGodzilla’s Corona Beams. These can also be charged into a deeper emerald, as opposed to the original sea green, to Spirit Ball power. The latter takes a good five or six seconds of Herxthanc opening his maw to maximum velocity while on all fours, and leaves him quite vulnerable.

Energy Spear: If Herxthanc is upright and has both of his frontal talons as drills, he can lock them together and fire a lance of energy that stabs through most materials. This basically resembles an orange spear that rockets outwards like a bullet being fired from a gun, and is visible for only a split-second. However, if you're hit, you'll definitely recognize the big hole in your body.

Final Tremors: Herxthanc, being extremely skilled underground, can burrow deep and lash out at weak spots in the earth to cause a veritable Armageddon above ground, usually hitting the place with a 6.0 or higher earthquake, and causing magma to spray from the earth. Very powerful.

Fire Bolts:
Herxthanc's eyes can create jagged, thin bolts of orange energy that are held motionless there for a second, twisting towards foes, before being discharged at an incredible rate. His spines are set on fire while he does this, and he can also do a rapid-fire function of this. While burrowing, he can also set his spines on fire and rip through the ground to create trails of flames, as well as slashing people with these.

Abilities:

Incredible Digger: Herxthanc can dig through the earth at the rate of Mach 5.5. It’s a bit above the Arena limit, but he is pretty damn good at what he does. IR, if ya want to crack down on this now, don't inform me - just spam your admin powers and cut out the .5 part. Either way, he can turn, curve, leap out, leap in, and do more.

Space Travel: While he does lack any means to do it, Herxthanc does not need to breath. He's not an alien without any good reason.

Ground Control: Herxthanc has the ability to make the very earth do his whim, and can control as if he had amazing telekinetic holds over it. The ground can tear up, sand rise, earth move, earthquakes happen, and whores cry when Herxthanc gets a grip.

[HyperGFreak]

Name: Liyscrix

Height: 120 meters

Length: N/A

Mass: 80,000 tons

Description:

Everybody loves an extraterrestrial, or alien, so that’s why I suddenly decided to join the club and make one. First off, Liyscrix stands upright and totally bipedal. Got that? Good. And there’s no tail. Scream in utter horror. Well, there is a little stubby thing back above his ass, but at most he's got a tail bone. Whoop-de-freakin'-doo.

For the most part, his entire body is red and crusty, lcovered in random white splotches that are mixed in the ridges, like Destoroyah’s, with few exceptions. His head is shaped in the same way, but while it appears at first draconian, complete with leering yellow eyes, it tapes down into an Iris-like spear where the maw should be, only with no gaps in it. Basically, its a head with a big spear sticking out of his nose. Four jagged rows of yellowish spikes, one in each corner to form an X-shape, are present.

This dagger can split open like a flower’s bud, into four quarters, each of which having one row of spikes on its back side due to the way it divvies up. These throw back, to make another, bigger X-shape. Each of the insides of this mutant maw is covered in row upon row of teeth, and it can snap shut for much pain. If you want to know how much the guy has in there, think of Biollante. However, at the center of this horrific bud is an octopus’s beak, complete with lengthy tongue. This ends in two suckers, and can latch onto things and inflate, creating a vacuum and preventing escape.

Liyscrix’s neck is decently long – maybe SpaceGodzilla length, but not more. It funnels down into a crusty red chest. One each shoulder is a set of three wiggling tendrils, squishy and bluish-gray in color. These can all expand out to a length of two hundred meters, just like an octopus’s, again, complete with suckers. Liyscrix has a decently broad chest, that translates into thick, jointed, powerful arms. They have spikes on their elbows, and are three-clawed like Destoroyah’s. Because of the way they are built, Liyscrix can rip his arms back and punch them forwards like pistons, allowing him to smite with incredible force. His back is covered in Iris-style plates, and his feet are stumpy but jointed. As they near the feet, they translate into eight-tentacled, softer, fleshy parts, sort of like him having a sea anemone on each one of his feet. The center of these are more octopi beaks, minus the tongue.

Attacks:

Enzymes of Hell: Liyscrix can leak or fire greenish enzymes from the suckers on all of his shoulder tendrils. It takes a good second or two for the enzymes to seep out of pores at the suckers' center and collect there, before they are fired out. These can dissolve almost anything, and eat through armors as well.

DNA Destroyer: A double helix beam fired from the claws of Liyscrix. Upon striking a foe, it complete scrambles their DNA, destroying, replacing, and moving bases, causing a rapid bevy of changes in the recipient. This causes their flesh to essentially explode all over the body, sending blood splattering all over. It also packs a little kinetic force, allowing it to knock machines around.

DNA Trap: Liyscrix can also fire off greenish orbs that engulf a foe and electrocute them, immobilizing them for a while. These orbs resemble a spiral ladder folded into a ball shape, about twenty meters in diameters, and come from the shoulders two or three at a time. Homing capabilities are included with the package. No mail-in rebate, though.

Cyanide Bolts: The alien can also let off violet bolts from his suckers, that turn into purplish gas on contact. These kill cell’s mitochondria on contact, pretty much rotting the flesh of anything it hits, and also pack some good kinetic force. These are about thirty meters long, thin, and take about two seconds to fire.

Star Storm: Liyscrix’s best and most devastating technique, in which the alien raises his arms to the sky and brings down a veritable storm of explosive stars on the foe. This has limited use, of course, and comes as giant orbs of white light form the sky. About as powerful as being hit with a Spirit Ball.

Acid Globs:
If Liyscrix opens his maw, it may be to scream. It may be to eat. Or it may be to hock a deadly loogie of doom straight out of his goblet to to splatter all over you. The globs of acid come straight from the stomach, have a range of about 1000 meters, and are on par with Biollante's.

Abilities:

Levitation: Liyscrix can levitate all over the place, like SpaceGodzilla.

DNA Adaption: Liyscrix’s DNA is incredibly adaptable, and is almost impossible to disrupt or damage.

Space Travel: Liyscrix has no need to breath, and can travel through space with ease.

Tentacles:
These can expand, shrink, etc. You know the drill.

[HyperGFreak]

Name: Renneth

Height: 125 meters

Length: N/A

Mass: 76,000 tons

Description:

As I have finally succumbed to the pressures of seeing other people’s creations, I have now created my first irradiated kaiju – Renneth, the irradiated dinosaur type-thing, which is modeled after the one with all the frilly back things and whose name I can’t remember!!! (Update: Actually, I think it's an Iguanodon, but if it doesn't have frills, don't let it override this. In fact, scratch that - think Stegosaurus, then put Ghidorah-style wing membranes all over the back in place of the spines.)

Renneth, first of all, is a bipedal creature. He has the basic template of GFW Godzilla, but is slightly bulkier, like Destoroyah. His flesh, all over, is a deep violet – ebony hue, and his head doesn’t exactly have a defined snout; rather, the forehead blends into the relative area. It's slightly longer than Destoroyah's, and the maw is shaped like a typical dinosaur's, or Godzilla's. He doesn’t have back spines, but he does have three giant frills, shaped like mutant isosceles trapezoids – the back ends, that stick out, are inwards-turning arcs, as well as the tops and bottoms. These expand as they go out, and curve over his head. The bone onsets over these are golden, as are Renneth’s eyes. There are three jagged, spiky protrusions jutting back over Renneth’s head, as well. These protrusions are large golden bones that exit from the tips of the frills, jutting up a good ten to twenty meters or so and curving forwards a bit. He has the same thick chest and powerful arms, combined with twin useless Destoroyah-style shoulder spines. The chest has no female-crab markings, though, and the chest is actually broader like Godzilla's, now that I think of it. His tail is spiked like Anguirus’s, and lengthy and powerful. It's not as skinny or manuverable, but it makes up for it and length, about forty meters, and size, able to whack people FAR. His hands are five-clawed and nimble, able to grasp and throw, and his legs are more Godzilla-esque in shape than Destoroyah’s, aside from knee spikes. These can actually BEND (*GASPS*), and the spikes shoot out a good ten meter or so in a set of five. The feet are also somewhat longer and more movable.

Attacks:

Gamma Bolts: Decent-powered beams of energy from Renneth’s eyes that can lance through most materials. These, like his eyes, are golden in coloration, and take about a split-second of flashing before they fire out. Basically, they can spear most things and punch through flesh, untypical of a energy projectile attack.

Gamma Beam: A beam that resembles Godzilla’s Spiral one in looks, from the maw, only golden, complete with wispy waves of energy whipping off it at intervals. Very explosive, but only as powerful as one of Godzilla’s (Heisei) normal beams. Charge time involves back frill bones glowing and energy sucking into them, about three seconds.

Gamma Blade: Renneth can charge both his arms with radioactive energies, turning them into elongated golden spears that can hack through most materials, exploding as it goes. They return to physical form after attacking, and is on par with Dessie-T's laser blades in damage. Range is approximately 50-60 meters, and resemble golden swords with wisps of energy spiraling off them. Can counter energy assaults.

Gamma Rush: Renneth transmutes his entire form into energy, a la mode Transcending Fate, and rushes through a foe. Streaks left through the point of his passing will rip out and be sucked back into his body, taking chunky things with them. This DOES NOT HEAL at all, and actually uses a good amount of energy. He can use this as a last resort to evade physical attacks and hit back, and can move slightly faster than normal when performing this.

Gamma Halos: Renneth spreads all three of his frills and sends powerful golden halos of energy all over. These can smash into things and explode with enough force to shatter bone. These are usually fired forwards and to the side in hundreds, covering the sky in golden waves, and while they can't break bones due to Arena rules, damage is on par with ten or eleven consecutive cluster beams.

Abilities:

Poor Swimmer: Well, I had to make it different from “adept,” OK? Renneth can swim, and is fine in water, but prefers land. He can swim, and hold his breath for a while, but that's all...

Carcinogen Lover: Renneth’s form is constantly absorbing harmful carcinogens out of the air into his form, to power his attacks. That's why L.A. loves and hates him - he anti-pollutes, but he also uses taxpayer dollars.

Incredible Jumper:
Max height of six to seven hundred meters.

[HyperGFreak]

Name: Divinity

Height: 110 meters

Weight: 110,000 tons

Wingspan: 130 meters

Affiliation: ADAM Group

Description:

To make this easiest, Divinity can be envisioned as an amalgam of three things. The first, a dragon, is essentially dominant in his appearance, seeing how these parts appear most often in its form. The second is that of the oriental phoenix, whose prismatic and awe-inspiring feathers are incorporated into various locations over Divinity’s frame. And the last is that of a machine, for this guardian is a cyborg.

The ultimate incarnation of what was once the guardian Draenyx, Divinity can almost seem to resemble the Terminator in several regards. His head is that of a typical draconian form, like Godzilla’s. However, 2 scaly spines jut back from under his chin, back down past his neck a bit. Aside from a powerful frontal horn for stabbing, his right eye is fully cybernetic, an eerie red in contrast to the other’s amber. The flesh around it is metal, in a shape resembling the passage of an asteroid through our atmosphere. The rear end of the plate juts back in streaks towards the rear of his head, while the front elongates into a sharp tip.

Divinity’s neck isn’t overly long and whippy, but a bit skinnier than Godzilla’s. He’s lost his shoulder spines for two steel gauntlets, resembling bulky shoulder pads AND combination locks that conform to his shoulders (The cylindrical kind of lock, with the multiple dials that can be pushed up or down). However, where three parallel rows of movable dials should be are hundreds and hundreds of linear holes.

The feathers on his neck are still organic, soft yet sharp, changing hue for every second light shines on it. Also, the upper wing bones still maintain a typical dragon wing shape, like a house’s arched roof. But, as the “roof” slants outwards, it sports a thin, silvery tube rather than a vestigial thumb: a booster. The wing feathers, strangely, appear to be more glassy, though just as resplendent as their comrades; yet, they have the ability to twist in various shapes and directions.

Divinity’s chest is mostly organic, with the exception of a steel Kiryu-like chest plate. His chest is thick like Godzilla’s, and translate into similar legs that end in phoenix talons. The talons have smaller grooves crisscrossing them. Divinity has a ring of organic feathers on his shins and upper arms, and spiked steel elbows/knee plates.

Continuing down his upper limbs, which are longer and a bit lankier than Goji’s, steel, MechaGoji II style protrusions extend from his wrist back, rectangular prisms of a sort with electronic devices in tem. Now, his left arm has a fully organic claw, with a small diamond on its aforementioned gauntlet. The right ends in a twin gun – the upper part is large, like a multi-barreled gatling gun, but a longer, Gundam-like rifle barrel extends from its center. Yet this, and the right arm gauntlet, are obscured by a triangular shield of seven or eight parallel, glassy feathers, the center one being longest. The top end is blunt, but the bottom is sharpened. It is emblazoned with a multifaceted diamond. Lastly, the tail ends in an Iris-tentacle like spike of the same immaterial feathers. Personality-wise and fighting style-wise, Divinity is much different this time around, behaving more like a RoI Gamera than anything else. Small casualties are little consequence when compared to the safety of the world.

Origin: (Eh. Omega, Draenyx’s status is “unknown,” and Syintax is unlisted, so I’m going to consider the latter dead and take some creative liberties. Tell me if anything comes out in conflict with your planned story and I’ll change it.)

Ages ago, in ancient China, people worshipped the dragon and the phoenix at symbols of divine power. They were considered two halves of a whole, the yin and the yang, lucky images that were embroidered onto emperors’ clothing.

A few millennia ago, there was one particular beast, a voracious dragon that demanded the sacrifice of an overly sexy woman each month, that lived in what is today Vietnam. He had no qualms about whatever he was doing, and was rather feared, being more like a tyrant of a sort than anything else. The beast lived near the coast with a mate, and terrorized the locals until some priests became desperate enough to summon a goddess of theirs. Soon after, a gargantuan phoenix assailed the dragon, who rained bladed feathers through the latter’s form until he resembled an ichor-oozing, blood-splattered pincushion. However, she underestimated the will and tenacity of her foe, for he leaped upon her and flew her out to a coastal Asian island, managing to rip her to shreds before dying from internal injuries.

And the rest is history. During the vents of Kaiju Wars: New Dawn, the skeletons of the deceased were found and jumbled, where they were then lost in a forest clearing. For an entire week, they soaked up solar and lunar energy like hungry sponges on steroids, before a hybrid guardian, Draenyx, arose to take up where his predecessors left off, and doing his first act of Earth defense by driving off a demonic beast. One of his more notable KWND contributions included combating a bird known as Inferno Rodan, in a battle that ended in a draw. Also, the aforementioned demon was eventually slain by having a massive blast of energy, on par with Gamera’s Mana Beam, being pumped directly into its chest at point-blank range, as well. The guardian also participated in a last, cataclysmic battle against the Apocalypse dragon, surviving but coming out of the melee badly wounded.

Following the New Dawn, the hybrid guardian found himself weakened to the point of near death, and made it out into the countryside of Asia on ravaged wings before crumpling downwards and crashing into a large mountain, entombing himself in the process. And for the next 40 years or so, Draenyx slumbered, sensing new forces rising against Earth, and too weak to do anything about it. For a while, that is.

For some reason he could not decipher, his powerful psychic mind sensed the rising of other forces that he could not contact, but who also sensed him in return. And during that period of time, he found himself suddenly being excavated, by a surprising source – the ADAM Group. He essentially offered himself up on a silver platter, not being able to even move on his own by that point. The atrophying muscles hadn’t helped the wounds.

And, against all odds, he found himself in a position to defend Earth once more. They performed multiple operations to turn the mystical warrior into a cyborg, once more able to fight for the planet. And now, he awaits, fiercer and stronger than ever, in one of the multiple branches of ADAM Group, where the humans will “utilize” him to battle the Klen. He has no qualms with that plan, either, because he intends to destroy any invaders in the first place.

Divinity has risen once more, reborn like the ever-immortal phoenix rising out of the blazing flames.

Attacks/Offensive Powers:

Flames of the Crucible:
Divinity’s body is still capable of unleashing a deadly bolt of fire from his maw. This now resembles Meltdown Goji’s more than anything else now, both in appearance, range, and explosiveness. Because of Divinity’s now mechanically enhanced powers, he can now fire and hold this for a long duration of time, a good ten seconds on average. The beam itself does not directly set things ablaze, but the heat produced and the explosion creates intense flames. This does not require any form of charging, merely for Divinity’s maw to be open.

Feathery Blades:
Like always, Divinity’s feathers, both organic and glassy, can destroy molecular bonds on contact and slash things up. They can still be lashed out from the wings and limbs as projectiles. However, the new glassy feathers have a new ability – when launched, they spiral into a drill-shape, like Kiryu’s arm function, before they burrow deep into objects and shatter. These are highly accurate, and akin to detonating shrapnel in one’s form.

The Final Judgment:
While the shoulder gauntlets were created to pump out missile barrages, Divinity has mixed his own mystical twists into ADAM Group’s weapons, allowing them to channel his powers. These release 30 or so spheres of whitish and grayish orbs in the exact same way G:STE Kiryu does. These orbs, souls of the fallen that are absorbed and relinquished with instant reloading, electrocute and immobilize anything they converge on, regardless of whether the target is susceptible to electrocution. However, they move quite slowly.

Mist Orb Cannon:
The inner barrels of Divinity’s gun arm rotate and pump out waves of greenish blasts about 5 or 6 meters in diameter. The barrels rotate and fire a shot about once per second. The orbs function like strong acid; on contact, they burst into emerald mist that disintegrates anything it touches.

Purifier:
The longer barrel fires out a powerful blast of twisting silver energy, with a charge time of a about a second. It has the beam shape and kinetic force as a Plasma Grenade, but can be fired at any time with no drawbacks. However, it is only about 50% as powerful as the PG.

Rainbow Broadsword:
The jewel on Divinity’s unshielded arm can release a powerful blade. In its appearance, the jewel releases a blinding flash and five or six rays of light, which then swivel forwards and fuse into a broadsword of light that covers every color in the rainbow. The process takes about two seconds overall. It is about 120-130 meters long, and can slash through most materials, with the exception of glass, cauterizing as it goes. It can be sustained for as long as needed.

Jehovah’s Wrath:
From the blade-diamond, Divinity can fire four or five pulse rings of mist into the sky that look almost like SpaceGodzilla’s. While he raises his claw, the mist, as well as any clouds in the vicinity, circles around a crackling central orb of whiteness, sort of like the Milky Way. The orb then discharges down in a beam and detonates into an explosion, about 200 meters in diameter, that spirals upwards, while the vortex dissipates. This takes a lot of time and energy to prepare, but does as much damage as four or five Spiral Grenade Missiles detonating simultaneously.

Guardian Wrath (FINISHER ONLY):
Divinity’s chest plate rockets open, looking like Kiryu’s but with the speed of Gamera’s. It reveals an orb of white force with crackling gray lightning tracing over it, bulging outwards, that sucks in force the way GFW Goji did before blasting Gorath. After 2 to 3 seconds of this, the orb pulses a whitish, semi-translucent wave back over Divinity to protect him from damage. It then expels the internal orb as a massive beam, white with gray pulse rings. The beam is roughly 80-90 meters in diameter, and will push Divinity back incredibly far with backlash while utterly shredding his chest. However, it makes a large explosion, about 200 meters in diameter, and anything struck is hit with the essentially compressed power of ninety to a hundred nukes (Minus fallout), causing instant disintegration.

Defensive/Other Powers:

Flight:
Divinity has flight at a maximum speed of Mach 2. However, his wing boosters can fire in quick spurts to remove him from harm’s way.

Metal Mind:
During the process of becoming a machine, half of Divinity’s brain was made cybernetic. While he now lacks psychic powers, he can send live video, messages, and data directly to any human on standby, and is near impossible to knock out.

Phoenix Defense Shield:
The feathery shield on Divinity’s arm is attached to a swiveling wrist gauntlet. While it normally points sideways, in the direction of his gun, it will swivel upright when defending. The shield itself cannon protect from penetrating, shocking, or kinetic forces, but is an efficient defense against physical blows and weaker, immaterial attacks. Stronger beams can penetrate it; however, given a good five seconds, Divinity can power up the central gem and exude an aura that essentially covers the direction the shield is pointed at. This will not help against physical attacks, but can absorb stronger energy assaults. And if the feathers unfurl into a starburst shape and start rotating like a propeller, it creates a prismatic vortex with a glowing center that reflects projectiles and that can be hurled like an energized boomerang/blade disc version of his broadsword.

Deity Vision:
The metal eye of Divinity is a little toy of the ADAM Group, outfitted with many different tools. It includes a live camera feed, sender and receptor of different signals, infrared night vision, a radar that senses objects within 300 meters, multiple scanning modes that can tell the amount of foreign substances, like radioactivity, in the area, and the infamous Death Vision. This last scans a foe and puts them into a virtual wireframe, picking out all their weapons, their build, and presumed fighting styles, and their weak points/internal organs. It also notes the position of muscles and any other form of propulsion, as well as any foreign forces like wind, so it can predict and track a target’s movement.

Weaknesses:
While certainly not helpless, Divinity does not like it when a foe gets directly in under him or in his face, as he can’t really get his stronger weapons into play while hurting himself and must resort to mere melee. This allows other foes to get in a sheer load of hurt. Also, Divinity, while unlikely to short-circuit, does not like water, as it disables most of his weapons.

[HyperGFreak]

Name: The Hell Rift

Height: 70 meters when prepared for close combat, 95 otherwise

Weight: 112,000 tons

Length: 95 meters + 30 meter tail when prepared for close combat

Wingspan: 80 meters

Alliance: ADAM Group

Description:

A metal beast, a towering leviathan of alien metal that stands deadly and high, the Hell Rift is the ADAM Group’s main human-prepared defense weapon. The entire machine is a silvery-armored monolith of defense, a bulkier, slower mech than other of my creations. While not as thick and armored as some anime beasts, it seems to resemble a combination of Kiryu and a random Zoid, jacked all the way up on anabolic steroids.

Rift’s head is vaguely crocodile or dinosaur-esque, with an elongated head and crunching teeth. One Eva Unit-01 like spike just out from under its chin, back towards its body about 5 meters. Its lower jaw is covered in multiple vertical ventilation gaps that release gushing red light, and is shaped vaguely like that giant car-crushing dinosaur robot (The one in real life, not in a kaiju world.). The teeth are blunt, powerful squares that interlock with the upper jaw’s, with metal bars at the rear of the maw, connecting the two parts to open and slam them shut. Where the mouth should end and the esophagus begin, there is merely a glassy beam-firing panel. The upper half of the head is like Kiryu’s, with a sloping, flat middle that heads up towards the neck, and two slanting sides. The latter holds Rift’s twin, crimson, slanted eyes, while a convex hexagonal ruby resides in the middle of its forehead. Also, a row of spikes shoot out along the edge where the two sides meet the center one. At the rear of the head, four spines (One on top and bottom, two on each side) just back like metal frills, covering the point where a neck of flexible, rubber cartilage meets the head.

To this point, it can be noted that Rift normally stands upright and bipedal for combat. However, when entering an excessive melee duel, it bends its upper torso at the hip and holds its arms out before it, creating a T-rex like position and allowing its weapons to get in and deal maximum damage while allowing for strafing. This also makes itself a smaller target. However, because only its stance, not its form, changes, the machine will be described fully bipedal.

Rift’s shoulders hold two onyx cannons, cylindrical in shape. The frontal end sports multiple, small, circular holes to discharge beams, and four small frontal spears (One in each cardinal direction, if looking at the gun straight on) pointing in the direction of the weapon. Behind the shoulder, the twin destroyers fold down like Kiryu’s.

There are multiple, flipped-back, fin-like spines on the mech’s back, to the edge of the tail. On both sides of Rift’s back, a metal latticework juts out, forming its “wings:” four or five metal bars jutting out like the bones in Ghidorah’s wings, only without the luminescent leathery material. The tail, about 30 meters long, armored with thick, hollowed out trapezoidal plates on the top and sides, is plenty bulky, almost resembling a third foot. However, it ends not in a talon but in a cannon like the shoulders’.

Rift’s legs are built like Kiryu’s, but end in a splayed-out, four-clawed foot. These are composed of darker gray material than the rest of the body, with black grooves running through them in parallel lines. The chest is also built like Kiryu’s, but instead of a massive chest plate housing the Absolute Zero Cannon, it is mainly flat. The only thing upon it is a nearly two-dimensional trapezoidal plate, with a circular portal at its center. The plate appears to be upside-down, in the center of the torso, and the portal resembles the door of a high-tech star ship, with curvy blades all sliding in from the side, pinwheel style, to meet at the center.

The machine’s arms are actually rather lanky and well rounded, ending in hands the same design as the feet. Four large-ass missiles one each upper arm, one on each cardinal direction, are present, as well as four gauntlets in the same positions on each wrist. These are shaped like isosceles triangles pointed forwards, only with a smaller one cut out of the base and rubies embedded it in the triangles’ circumcenters.

Lastly, a bluish rubber tube, made of the thickest bendable material possible, with many striations, extrudes from the machine’s neck. This splits into two and hooks up to the cannons from behind, half-buried in the steel, before returning and conjoining into one larger tube that dives into the metal. It half-reemerges in each arm, heading towards the gauntlets, as well.

Origins: (More creative liberty here, Omega. I don’t want to ruin any plans, so kick me if I am.)

Asterisks denote other characters whose bios will be up later.

Back during the events of Kaiju Wars: New Dawn, the last Xilian, self-dubbed merely by the name Zajen, was dedicated to waging war against other extraterrestrial foes, ready to wreak havoc on the pitiful fools. During that short period of time while he was active, he compiled an impressive database and collection of powerful technology, regardless of whether it was Xilian, Terran, or something else.

What exactly happened with the vengeful alien is unknown. However, some of his more notable acts were recorded. It is known that he often embarked on black market quests for materials in the midst of the Kaiju Wars. At one point, somewhat in the midpoint of the combat, the alien received a tip-off that weaponry he wished to obtain was in a military storehouse. Thus, with that in mind, he then proceeded to go and try to break in.

Unfortunately, he failed to take into account one notable force – namely, the guard soldiers on duty. A sixteen year old Russian, Vladimir Orlov*, and another new recruit, eighteen year old Steve Lakewood*, were sitting back outside the doors, living the good life and throwing back bottle after bottle of booze, until a crazy goth guy ran up and tried to smash through the wall of the warehouse they were “guarding.”

When they finally got their alcohol-numbed minds into position enough to grab their guns, point it at the psychopath, and fire, the guy was already moving. Even so, Vlad managed to pump a pistol shot along the side of the Xilian’s head, splattering blood and brain juice over a wall, while the wounded target fled. From this point on, the witnesses, and ADAM Group, have no history of this person.

Wondering what the hell was in the warehouse, Vladimir and Steve opened it up and did an “official” search. What they found was a bunch of typical guns all over the place, including AK-47s and the like, and in bunch of crates near the back, some alien machinery of a sort that rather interested them. Being stone drunk, the two men grabbed the crates and transported them all back to Steve’s apartment, before going to report the incident in.

Scientists returned and took blood samples that were on the wall for DNA testing, but couldn’t match it up with any known humans on Earth, as if it was an alien’s ichor. Which, in any case, it was. At the same time, Vladimir and Steve broke off from the army and secretly sold about half of the crates in the black market to random buyers. If anything, it made them millionaires, and the two entered early retirement.

About five years after the end of the New Dawn, Steve, whose apparent and sudden richness was assumed to be part of a military bonus or something, was contacted by the same scientists, who merely wanted to notify the duo that the brain cells were being used in an experiment to see if they could somewhat clone the wounded visitor, and asked the two if they wanted to get involved. The Texan offered a tentative, positive response.

While not exactly cloning, the scientists simply mixed the brain cells into that of a newborn baby less than a day old, and at first appeared to get little to no results. However, as the child reached the age of adolescence, he started to exhibit stranger habits, whether in garb, hobbies, and the like, that seemed to resemble those of the Xilian race. A few years later, he left his family and changed his name – coincidentally, to that of the one whose cells had merged with his. Zajen Threnius.*

It soon became apparent that this being had memories that were not his, perhaps coming from the mind that had been somewhat shaved off and inserted into his own. One of the new Zajen’s most prominent thoughts was one of a creation plan for the ultimate machine of vengeance, the thing that could utterly destroy most things it met in combat. And the materials needed for its creation happened to be in the crates that Vladimir and Steve had confiscated previously, seeing as how that plan must have been foremost in the Xilian’s mind when he was wounded.

The pair waited for a while for more plans to surface, but none ever did. To shield what Steve thought of as their “offspring” of a sort from the media (The above term triggering Vladimir to vehemently spew, “What ze hell are you smoking, you think we have anal buttzex at night?”), they took him into their mansion of a sort, while Vlad sold off excess materials to sustain an extra person in the home. And they kept the objects needed to create what could be a potentially powerful weapon for them on hand. And it wasn’t needed. Until now.

With the advent of the Klen, and the subsequent discovery by several members of the future ADAM Group, Zajen threw his lot in with the anti-lizard folks, perhaps influenced by the extraterrestrial hatred from the Xilian whose brain cells he shared. Both of them verging on sixty now, and with nothing better to do, Vladimir and Steve both threw their lot in, as well as a decent helping of cash. But not before hiring some people to assemble the machine. The mech with enough raw power to rip open a metaphorical rift and hurl its foes into the utmost depths of hell itself...

Attacks/Offensive Powers:

Plasma Beam:
The two shoulder cannons, as well as the one on the end of the tail, that the Rift sports can produce a stream of crackling golden energy that fires outwards. It has the charge time of two or three seconds, maybe about as much as one of the Millennium Godzilla’s, but not as slow as the one in Megaguirus. It is actually rather weak in explosive power, and equal in damage to one of Heisei Godzilla’s beams.

Plasmatic Fire:
The glassy plate at the rear of the Rift’s maw can spark a few times before producing a ray of light green force, similar in appearance to the one created when the Super X-2 uses its mirror to absorb and reflect a beam at Godzilla. It has little to no charge time, merely requiring the Rift’s maw to be open, and is about as powerful as MechaGodzilla II’s Megabuster thing.

Rift Cannons:
If the A-10’s cannons have given it the name Tank Killer, then the Rift Cannons are this machine’s version of them; a Kaiju Killer. These slide out of a panel on each side of the mech’s maw, two cannons that are connected sort of like a double-barred gun turret. These can move up or down at various angles to attack, as well. Altogether, they can pump out about 50-60 shells per second, with a total ammunition of several thousand shells. While relatively small, these can ravage metal, armor, or flesh with ease.

Plasma Missiles:
The eight missiles on the Rift’s arms are in plain sight, and often subjected to direct damage. However, their shells are extremely thick, and they only explode after receiving a detonate signal from the Rift. Fired like Moguera’s SGMs, they explode seconds before hitting a target and splatter globs of hot plasma all over. They have slight homing capabilities, and are only half as powerful as the original SGMs, but have twice as many shots.

Plasma Lance:
The diamonds on Rift’s wrists will charge up with plasma energy, taking a good three or four seconds, before producing a lance of energy that rockets out of its arm, a good sixty or seventy meters in length. It has a duration of a about five seconds, or until it hits something; when it does, it explodes and takes out a good-sized chunk of flesh.

Hell Rapier:
Very long and thin metal rapiers, about eighty meters long, can protrude from under the Rift’s gauntlets. These are not made for slashing and hacking, but rather for stabbing, which is something they do very well. Like Kiryu’s, they can also pulse energy rings along their length, which have more incinerating than shocking power, and can leave a cylindrical hole behind in their wake.

Gravitational Death (FINISHER ONLY):
A technique in which the Hell Rift’s circular panel slides open, the swiveling blades pulling back out as if forming a portal to another world. After that, a black orb starts to coalesce, an impenetrable blackness with a smaller purple sphere at the center. After charging for five or six seconds, the darkness pulls into the central orb, which suddenly swells and produces a massive stream of crackling purple electricity that shoots outwards in an arc. Upon striking something, the lightning creates a black hole, about 150 meters in diameter, which essentially creates enough gravitational force to turn anything it engulfs into a literal meat grinder.

Defensive/Other Powers:

Sophisticated AI:
The Hell Rift has a sophisticated AI that can calculate battle strategies with near-human precision. It's weapons can also be voice activated from a nearby base.

Antigrav Flight:
The Rift has the ability to create an antigravitational field that allows it to levitate off the ground and fly around at a speed of Mach 1.5. While not exceptionally swift, it is not affected by factors such as wind, gravity, or other foreign conditions, as well as the laws of physics, meaning it can shoot off in any direction it wishes. This takes about three or four seconds to activate, in which a yellow layer of light spreads out over its wing frame and creates two amber panels.

Shielding:
The central eye of the Rift can beam out and create a shield that surrounds it. This appears as a crimson orb that surrounds the beast, and functions the same way and with the same strength as Showa MechaGodzilla’s.

Plasma Functions:
The Rift’s plasma powered weapons – the maw cannon, shoulder and tail weapons, and wrist lances – all are connected by a system of tubes that are all linked to an internal tank of energy and many more mechanisms that can easily go and produce the materials needed to power the attacks. However, there is also a secondary tank within it, that can be filled by other means. These means come into the specific materials the Rift was built with. Created to be an anti-alien weapon, energy attacks that hit its armor receive the same treatment Goji’s beam got from MGII’s diamond coating – splayed out and absorbed for power. Just like the coating, it can be overpowered, but the energy absorbed can fill the secondary tank and can be used to pump any of the aforementioned attacks up to twice its normal power.

Deity Vision:
The third eye of the Rift is a little toy of the ADAM Group, outfitted with many different tools. It includes a live camera feed, sender and receptor of different signals, infrared night vision, a radar that senses objects within 300 meters, multiple scanning modes that can tell the amount of foreign substances, like radioactivity, in the area, and the infamous Death Vision. This last scans a foe and puts them into a virtual wireframe, picking out all their weapons, their build, and presumed fighting styles, and their weak points/internal organs. It also notes the position of muscles and any other form of propulsion, as well as any foreign forces like wind, so it can predict and track a target’s movement.

Weakness:
If the Hell Rift's armor is overloaded in any section, it will begin to melt and become highly susceptible to physical attacks of any sort.

[HyperGFreak]

Name: Fyra

Height: 100 meters

Weight: 95,000 tons

Wingspan: 140 meters

Affiliation: N/A. She’s a rogue kaiju, but does have an affiliation for Earth and holds enemies in those against it.

Description: (Ah. All right. I can’t exactly find the thread on TK, but some time after I first returned, I made some comments about which kaiju I thought were sexy. Someone (Think it was MM, but I can’t be sure…) called me a kaiju pedophile or something of the sort. Well, it’s never been more true. ^_^)

Fyra, dragon goddess of the winds, has an entire body coated in scales that are typical of a lizard or something similar. These are mainly a pearly white, with a rosy hue to them, and for the most part, her entire body is that color. Her frame is somewhat like Millennium Godzilla’s at first sight, but she is more slender and built for flight, as well as being much more mobile and such.

Her neck is relatively long, like the typical fantasy dragon, and slender, able to bend in most directions with graceful ease. It ends in a streamlined head that can actually look cute, even for a kaiju. It can still have the air of menace when needed, though. Her head, obviously, is draconian, with a small row of spikes, like turned back dolphin fins, starting a good ten or so meters into her forehead and going backwards, down the back of her neck, and to the end of her tail, growing in stature to ones that seem to resemble GFW Goji’s in the middle, and shrinking again as they go back. These actually have a stronger pinkish tinge than the rest of her body.

Her maw is again typical, with a long snake-like tongue, and petite but powerful teeth. Unlike most of my other creations, her chin has no spine on it, but merely folds back again into her neck. Unlike most reptiles, Fyra has eyelids, complete with eyelashes, that can cover her bluish eyes when needed. These eyes, like the face, can either exude an aura of attractiveness or danger. She also has a small topaz embedded in her forehead, and in the center of her back, over the spine.

The body is the format as Godzilla’s, but more bendable and slender. She has small, about fifteen meter long spines on her shoulders, and arms that are proportionate to her body the way our arms are proportionate to our forms. Her elbows have ivory spines on them, hooked and about twenty meters long, and her arms end in dexterous hands; slightly more so than Godzilla’s, and five-clawed. Her wing shapes are a bit hard to describe; to do so, take Ghidorah wings at first. Now, grab the upper most end and bend it upwards, until it ends in vestigial thumb. The outer edges arc outwards rather than inwards, before hitting the bottom and arcing inwards before returning to her body. The bones that guide the wing frame are vertical.

Fyra’s tail is another flexible and powerful part of her body, pretty damn long and able to be used in the same way many kaiju did in the three-dimensional kaiju fighting games. It is rounded perfectly, and can often fold around her legs, which have the appearance of Godzilla’s once more, only thinner. They end in three-clawed feet, with a third talon sticking out of her rear ankle.

Now, Fyra also has something that should make any female kaiju complete for other male kaiju, and that is...ahem, two rather modest and scaly knockers right there on the chest, mainly two little mounds smack dab in the torso. Her body also exudes the aroma of dried spit and cinnamon, which some people may find disgusting, but if you ever have braces and floss your teeth with cinnamon dental floss, you’ll find the scent quite alluring –

*Stops before someone else is driven off the deep end*

Origins:
Ages ago, in ancient Asia, there was a rather tyrannical dragon who mated with a second of his kind. She was formed from the mists of the skies and mystical energies, and was relatively peaceful in comparison with her partner, happily living with him in the middle of the countryside and doing things that would make the anticipated Erabus and Redmoon mating scene look like a sex ed video for kindergarteners.

Either way, she was sleeping one day when her mate disappeared. She waited for a few days, before realizing that the son of a b*tch had either run off, or something bad had occurred. With nothing better to do, she exited and looked around, seeing no other signs of her companion except for a whole lot of his blood splattered around.

Now, she was faced with a dilemma. She had his scent, and could track him, but would also risk leaving behind the nest of eggs that she, yes, had produced with the aforementioned mate, and if they hatched while she was gone, then they would more than likely either starve to death, get eaten, or end up as runts do to a lack of milk.

She dithered over this point for a good twenty to thirty minutes or so, before finally taking a gamble and heading off to track her mate. Unfortunately, she was disappointed. All she found were the corpses of what would one day become Divinity, and the phoenix goddess that had been summoned by the people, entering the first stages of decay. She then turned and swiftly returned to her home, only to find that her eggs had all cracked open. She found several carcasses, already dead from suffocation, starvation, or the like, and many more unaccounted for.

Now grief-ridden, the dragon returned back to the corpses of the previous two combatants, as if to mourn the death of a mate she hadn’t particularly cared for, but had been loyal, and some bird that’d gone and stabbed him to death. And as she did so, the arcane energies that made the previous phoenix a guardian left its dead frame, and as it did so, transferred into the next open vessel. Namely, the female dragon, whose body was supercharged with elemental forces as she gathered human intelligence and became Fyra, the next goddess of the winds.

Following that, she went into slumber to await the time when she would be next needed. She missed the advent of Kaiju Wars: New Dawn, but now it is time for her to arise. As the Eternal Twilight looms, she is ready, to fight for the defense of the Earth.

She also senses several figures from her past. One that she somewhat has a connection to, even though she doesn’t know why, and her mate, who is somehow alive, and yet different in a way. Nonetheless, she is out to protect the planet, and protect it she shall...even if it means the destruction of the her only link to times long past.

Attacks/Offensive Powers:

Wind Slicer:
When Fyra swings her wings forwards, they can crackle with energy for a good second or two, gather azure force on the vestigial thumbs, before firing out crescents of concentrated air that can seriously put the hurt on a foe. These crescents can hack through objects just like Iris’s sonic cutter, only being thinner and about forty meters wide.

Thunder Beam:
After absorbing and charging energy in her wings and back spines for about two seconds, Fyra can produce a beam of sheer electrical force, as powerful and as superheated as lightning from a storm, out of her maw. It has a duration of four or five seconds, and can be guided like SpaceGodzilla’s Corona Beam, looking much the same way, only gold. It’s about as powerful as Kiryu’s maser.

Twister Force:
Fyra can also summon bluish twisters from the highest reaches of the atmosphere. She is required to concentrate for a good five or six seconds for this to occur, but when it does work, a giant tornado o’ death whips outta the sky to rip and tear. Not only can it hurl enemies a good few hundred meters into the air, if the twister descends down and engulfs a foe, it can rip chunks out of them. These, like SpaceGodzilla’s beams, can also be guided around and around with the power of the mind, and last a good seven or eight seconds.

Air Blades:
Fyra’s elbow spines glow for a second or two before she presses all her claws on either arm together, karate chop style, before they produce a large, Destoroyah style katana of bluish energy. Otherwise, it has the same range, power, duration, and usage, being a mighty hacking thing of death.

Shock Serpents:
Being Fyra’s most intimidating weapon, the dragon can create serpentine beings of flame and electricity from her crystals, both on her back and head. These take a moment’s concentration and a brief flash to summon, and they manifest in long serpents of orange flame with golden lightning crackling over them. She can pull out a good three at once, and they normal writhe around and around her in circular paths, providing protection. Otherwise, they function like Biollante’s vines – they can clamp down, bite, constrict, stab, scorch, and block, being about five hundred meters long each. They can also be destroyed with attacks, and more can be summoned. Note that these are not actually physical parts of her form, but are actually separate.

Defensive/Other Powers:

Flight at Mach 4/Air Telekinesis:
Despite having such an affinity for the skies, Fyra’s maximum airspeed is only Mach 4, not at the maximum. However, she also possesses the ability to morph the air with her mind, which can cause it to become solid as steel or create currents where she wants it. This can be used as a weapon or to make her flight styles nearly physics-defying. Because of this, she can still levitate even with both wings destroyed, and is nearly impossible to be grounded if she does not wish to be. Her body also has no need to breathe, and actually purifies the air as it goes, making it a perfect solution for...ehh, global warming. Yeah.

Psychic Powers of Uber-ness:
Just like good ol’ Marc Cerasini’s Mothra in the books, Fyra can connect with others, get some small glimpses of the future, and turn innocent humans into drug addicts by sending them dreams and messages until they think they’ve gone completely insane.

Sheer Willpower: (Coughahemerrgoddamnclassicliteratureinenglishclassandthatdangshanebook)
One of Fyra’s more valuable aspects is her incredible control over her body and her will, as well as her dedication to her mission. Out of sheer willpower, she can continue fighting even when horribly wounded, and pull herself through most pain to keep the battle going. However, this is not suicidal – if she realizes she is fighting a losing battle, she’ll put this ability to better use in getting her ass outta there to live and fight another day.

Weak Mystical Regeneration:
I have no other thing to call it, but...it’s not exactly regeneration, per se, of increased healing speeds or of the radioactive variety. Fyra heals as slow as any normal creature would; however, due to her guardian properties, she will always heal perfectly, given time, unless utterly dead. For example, large gashes in limbs can maim humans, even after healing; Fyra will heal slowly, but still come out of it looking exactly the same she did prior to being wounded. The body can also regenerate things that most humans wouldn’t; say, an eyeball or a limb, though it will take a very long time and will not be of much use in battle.

Weakness:
If there is ever point when Fyra is in a complete or near-complete vacuum, then all of her air powers are essentially worth nothing. Also, continued destruction of her shock serpents will weaken her.

[HyperGFreak]

Name: Arcthryx

Height: 105 meters

Weight: 100,000 tons

Affiliation: None (Rogue)

Description:

Ooh, boy. If I thought Syintax was a pain in the ass to describe, Arcthryx definitely takes the cake...

First of all, take a monster. Don’t give it any definite shape off the bat; leave it liquid in your mind. However, it is posed somewhat like Orga in the platform kaiju games. It’s arms aren’t as long and lanky, and are held up ready for combat, while the back isn’t as hunched. But the pose is still vaguely the same.

Arcthryx is one helluva weird kaiju. Essentially, he is the fusion of some seriously possessed nuclear liquid and cells that has absorbed metal framework into himself, to the point where all the metal parts of his frame are actually living things in their own, able to heal themselves with the rest of his body and bend with ease. In that sense, Arcthryx is a sort of cyborg; however, he is not dependent on those adaptations for survival, nor do they give him any advantage other than tougher defenses. They are merely a part of his frame, just like our fingernails, hair, skin cells, and warts are part of ours. Ehh...sorry about that last part.

To define his head, first take a steel “W” and place it, rear end forwards, on his head. The twin bottoms fuse into one long spike. Now, the middle part of the letter thickens into a long spine, kind of like a crest, that rises upwards. The other two fold downwards on the side of his face, like the plates on the side of an Eva Unit’s head. The area opened up by the moving parts of these plates is rounded around a draconian head, and his slitty, emerald eyes fill these points.

However, when his frame reaches the lower part of his jaw, it becomes organic, creating a light bluish-purple armored shell that is shaped like Evangelion Unit-01’s lower jaw. He also has two pairs of Destoroyah-style mandibles (Final form) besides his maw. His teeth are long and serrated – hurray for pain! – and his tongue is actually rather strange. It is composed of a metal framework, and can extend to an incredible long length. It was also apparently part of a radar system at one point, because, like a reptile’s, it can sense things. Arcthryx’s saliva is an oily, bluish-purple substance again.

After that, as we continue down this creature’s hunched form, we meet the chest, which sports a large Kiryu-style chest bulge and several more armor plates around it. This plate, though, is of more shell, of the same color and thick consistency. His shoulders have two pairs of large, metal spikes sticking out of them. His arms are rather interesting anomalies in themselves – they are, at first glance, composed of more shell. However, his upper arms have apparently incorporated some metal grids, just like a building’s shell, into themselves, that wrap around and around. The arms end in very long lobster/crab claws that have somehow become metal. They are also quite thin, and when closed form two perfect sword shapes that can slash through many substances. When opened and shut down, it can be painfully discovered that their inner edges are just as sharp and capable of crushing.

Arcthryx’s back is more shell, thinner than Orga’s bulging one. Many flattened down plates, like Iris’s, fill the position of back coatings, but these are of the same material as his armor and are rigid. He has two tails, long and thin and whippy like an elongated pair of Ghidorah’s. These are flat and have steel edges, and being about forty meters long, are quite good for slashing. Lastly, on these beast’s legs are at first shaped like Iris’s, but round out a bit more and are more flexible. They still have a steel spine sticking out of their knees, though. The feet also end in one long claw, this one organic, just like Gigan’s.

Origins: (OK, this one is really a big stretch here. I’m trying to mix in the stuff that the Terran were using from KWND that I don’t know too much about, so if I get something wrong again, kick me. Hard.)

The alien viruses released during the events of the New Dawn by the Terran were powerful weapons, to be sure. However, some of it never exactly fulfilled its true purpose. At one point during the New Dawn, some of the virus got into a nuclear reactor that was destroyed in some combat, alone in the ruins of a destroyed city somewhere in Canada. The result was...interesting.

The radioactivity also had the side effect of mutating the virus into a totally new strain, which somewhat resembled a bluish-purple pool of liquid. This then traveled downwards, entering into the coast off the sea of California, where it apparently disappeared from sight for several decades. Nobody noticed, everyone being so preoccupied with the combat going on at the time.

But for a good forty years or so, the new liquid possessed whatever came in its way. Not small bacteria or fish; no, those were small fry compared to what it went after. However, the cloud of gooey substance also engulfed many sharks, crustaceans, and the like in the area, controlling them utterly and sending them off deeper into the sea, taking over the minds of other sea creatures as they went.

And after four decades, the collective “mind” of the substance had apparently found enough. The possessed creatures converged in one spot in the sea – namely, what was Catalina Island, off the coast of California. Strangely, then, the liquid searched for the last materials needed to give its form substance. It discovered this in the form of the city of Avalon’s metal.

Somehow, the possessed beasts all transformed back into their liquid format, before a giant tidal wave of radioactive ooze surged up and engulfed the entire town, killing and drowning everyone in the process. Several days later, a new beast, dubbed Arcthryx, was seen roaming the islands, a grotesque combination of metal and such.

At that time, the ADAM Group, which had recently bedded down in Sacramento, California, got wind of this via some of their more sophisticated radar systems, and without alerting any authorities, started to investigate this. However, following the public broadcast of the Klen and their...deadly message, Arcthryx was assumed to be an alien invader. The Hell Rift was sent to kick his ass, but was merely ignored by the mutation, until it set down upon the island, in which it was driven off and promptly ignored again.

Not sure what to do with the beast, ADAM Group gave in, and waiting until the creature reached one of the farther out islands, zapped it with the orbital Armageddon Cannon of theirs. The small hunk of land was vaporized, as well as the monster (Apparently) and two teens making secret love under a rock.

However, just a few days later, the beast returned, pooling first as a puddle of liquid before solidifying. With bigger things on their mind, ADAM Group dumped it there on Catalina Island and left it alone, where it stays...for now.

Attacks/Offensive Powers:

Thermonuclear Ray:
After a charge time of two or three seconds, Arcthryx produces a beam of crimson energy from his maw. This is slightly more powerful than Heisei Godzilla’s beam, and has a decent explosive power. For each extra second it is charged, it can be held for another second, and it has a fairly long range.

Thermonuclear Orbs:
Arcthryx snaps both of his claws open, where twin orbs coalesce and grow to a size of a good twenty to thirty meters in diameter. These crackling orbs of crimson energy than fire outwards after four or five seconds, acting like Spiral Grenade Missiles and easily matching them in power.

Thermonuclear Whips:
The tips of Arcthryx’s tails can both simultaneously produce Shamshel-style whips of reddish energy. However, these cannot slice through objects, but rather explode off them, sending sparks flying. These have a duration of a good seven or eight seconds, and CAN be used for impalement on occasion, contradicting my above statement. Equal in power to Legion’s.

Electromagnetic Waves:
Arcthryx plunges both of his claws forwards, creating an electromagnetic field at their tips that pulses for a few seconds, before it widens out in front of him and congeals into a series of nine or ten thin pulse rings that fire forwards and smash into foes with the incredible kinetic force and power of GFW Goji’s beam.

Armageddon Blast:
Apparently having absorbed some of the excess energy of the Armageddon Cannon shot that was fired at it, Arcthryx can produce an attack of the same variety. Basically, he raises his claws and opens his maw, creating a reddish orb with large rings of force surrounding it, about forty to fifty meters in diameter. After a second or two, he launches it out, causing it to go bang with Spirit Ball strength. Usage in battle is limited.

Defensive/Other Powers:

Changeable Form:
Arcthryx is composed fully of a solidified form of bluish-purple liquid. He can also change into this form, or another, at will. Either way, he first has to enter an in-between stage of a sort, in which his body liquefies and ends up looking like the Millennian after it first exited the ship. After that, he can either drop down into a living puddle of goo that can move around at will, enter the ocean, reform, and stretch around a good 100-200 meters. While he apparently had the ability to fuse with objects he came in contact with, he has also apparently lost this power. Anything maleficent to him that he touches in this form starts to fry, as well.

While this takes increased energy, he can also turn into a sort of gas form, like Destoroyah when it came back to attack Junior, only with azure sparks. He can only sustain this for a short period of time, but during this he is immaterial and can not only avoid attacks but also fry more things he wants to kill and teleport within a two hundred meter radius.

Adept Swimmer

Weakness:
If he suffers severe enough damage, Arcthryx may inadvertently shift back into his liquid form. In this, he is highly susceptible to attacks that can separate him or blow him away.

(Yeah, yeah, IR, ya explained it to me, and I'm just too lazy to highlight and delete. No, really. ^_^ No shape changing...but parts of the body changing...heh..)

[HyperGFreak]

Name: Captain Davy Calamari Jones, AKA Davy Stoned

Height: Size of a slightly large human, about 6 feet or so, but in battle he can enlarge himself to a maximum size of 100 meters, like Jet Jaguar.

Weight: Slightly bulkier than a normal human, around 300 lbs. In battle, he can enlarge himself to a maximum of 65,000 tons.

Theme Song: Davy Stoned's favorite song that plays on the organ can be found here. Imagine a bit more techno-ish feel once it really gets started.

Description:

This picture was taken when Davy was in high school. The surprised/annoyed look was caused due to the fact that he had just been given an atomic wedgie by 2 selkies previously that day, and was being assailed by paparazzi calling him a “Lucky dog.” Davy responded to surprise photographers, such as the guy who took this pic, by crushing their cameras or stating bluntly that he was a squid, not a dog.

The universally feared, pitied, and despised captain of the Womanizing Dutchman, Davy Calamari Jones, dubbed Davy Stoned due to the stuff he smokes, is an ancient pirate who is the self-proclaimed “Terror of the Eleven and a Half Seas.” This, of course, can be disputed due to his drugged condition when saying this, shown by his statement about the number of seas. He is also one of the five main leaders of the NSDA.

Davy’s flesh has the consistency of a squid’s, and is greenish when damp. It fades to a piss-yellow coloration and turns rubbery when drying out. He also produces quantities of ooze with the texture of mucus from a sucker pore on his face.

The majority of Davy Stoned’s features are displayed in the picture. His beard is composed of tentacles, and is dexterous and able to manipulate objects as it digs into certain parts of the female anatomy, while one of his arms ends in a bright red lobster claw with incredible magical powers (See the Claw of Castration below). Davy’s other hand is humanoid, except for his extendable and extremely durable middle finger, which can stretch up to ten feet and retract at will.

Davy has one organic foot clad in a waterproof hiking boot that he purchased at a garage sale in Bermuda. However, the other ends in a long, spear-like crab leg. This has yellowish, bristly hairs sticking out of the joint behind the kneecap, and is about as flexible and functions as a peg leg. It’s telescopic and can extend up to ten feet, being nearly indestructible and able to stab into things. At nights, Davy removes it by unscrewing it, and occasionally uses lubricants like oil, grease, soap, or semen to keep it from jamming.

Otherwise, the rest of Davy is mostly humanoid. He wears a pirate hat which exhibits his ultimate awesomeness, and is clad in a loose-fitting black shirt, pants, and cape, all of which are as old and ragged as he is. The back of his head is about half as long as his face, and shaped like a moldy inner tube. Davy’s dangler is, due to an unfortunate accident with his divine ex-girlfriend, less than an inch long, but hard as steel and immune to gelding, to prevent the Claw from being used against him. His “bag” can be zippered open and shut, and he keeps a Pokéball containing his pet Kraken (More on that later) in place of one of his balls. His left testicle is contained in an indestructible box known as the Dead Eunuch’s Chest, which only he can open.

Davy Stoned, for the majority of the time, has one expression perpetually plastered on his face: pissed. Oh, so pissed. This is because 1) he lacks the facial muscles to do much else besides raise an eyebrow, perform a small smile, or glower, and 2) he’s almost always angry about something or the other in the first place. Davy continually wallows in self-pity and misery, and he has truly horrible luck.

Our not-so-friendly neighborhood seafood man has, in no way, a decent personality. Davy Stoned is not only pessimistic, but he is also ruthless, sadistic, evil, sarcastic, prideful, cold, calculating, awesome, cool, kickass, and quick to anger. He has a crappy Scottish accent developed from spending too much time killing folks in kilts and collecting their bagpipes, which has a fetish for and which he uses to repair his ancient organ. Stoned laces his every statement with derogatory phrases if possible, and absolutely hates one thing: love. Those who have survived the terrifying ordeal of mentioning that word to his flat, squiddy face have reported that he does one of five things:

1) Attempt to kill you in some way.
2) Torture or tentacle rape you, then do #1.
3) Throw up, then do #2 and #1.
4) Break down and start bawling like a baby, then do #1 if you’re still there after ten minutes.
5) Go on a chocolate-eating binge and give himself diabetes.

Despite this, Davy shows some degree of affection for his comrades, usually by not harming them…fatally. He has no wish to make love to women, as even the most experienced whore will fall down giggling before his tight-lipped glare as he removes his undies. However, Stoned is the undisputed master and lord of all things tentacle-rape related, and is also a proficient fighter and risk taking guy at the helm.

In his leisure time Stoned smokes crack, gets drunk on Smirnoff, hurts/degrades people, sings “Yo ho ho and a Bottle of Smirnoff,” plays the organ, plays pokers, plays “Dead or Alive Xtreme 2” or “Grand Theft Warship: San Francisco” on his PS2, endlessly trains Octillery to Level 100 on Pokémon Pearl on his Nintendo DS, watches soap operas, reads Stephen King novels and participates in the Online Hentai Association Meetings.

Davy possess many weapons, the 3 biggest being his Kraken, Moby Dick, and the Womanizing Dutchman.

1) Fluffy is Stoned’s pet oversized calamari that he created when he injected a squid with tons (literally ) of anabolic steroids in high school. He is kept in a Pokéball in Davy’s scrotum, and is strategically deployed to eat people so Davy can jack their bagpipes.
2) Moby Dick is a gargantuan white whale Transformer that disguises itself as a gleaming 6.35 inch dick. It normally latches on to a mortal’s crotch. To be summoned, it must be sliced off and hurled into the sea where it takes its true form. It previously belonged to Davy’s nemesis, Hack Sparrow, but was appropriated by the seafood man’s poker buddy/pimp, Captain Heckler Barbooza.
3) The Womanizing Dutchman is a greenish, encrusted, disintegrating ship from the approximate 1600s. In layout:

i171.photobucket.com/albums/u307/HyperGFreak/DutchmanMap.jpg

Most notable, it is distinguished by several things: the Gatling gun-esque barrels on the ship’s front, the dragon’s head on the ship’s front, the platinum-blond chick strapped to the dragon’s maw, and the ship’s sail, which is a giant extra-strength Trojan condom that was special made for the Giant. However, after Jack killed him, Trojan had nowhere to put it, so Davy picked it up. The Womanizing Dutchman is in horrible shape, but so long as it is wet the wood is self-healing and regenerates. It can also sail insanely fast and submerge like a sub. Anyone on the Dutchman at this time temporarily gains the ability to breathe underwater.

The Dutchman has a broad deck bordered by a rail, and has, beside Gatling gun cannons, twenty (ten on each side) cannons that fire alternating pink and yellow or white and yellow laser blasts, respectively. There is a control panel in the crow’s nest that allows the person there to fire several hundred homing torpedoes from the Dutchman, which can also fly into the sky and hit stuff like missiles. The main part beneath the Dutchman is like any other ship, full of supplies and weaponry, minus the rats, because Davy can’t tolerate them and uses traps liberally. The brig is kept in the front of the ship, and is kept neat compared to the hold outside to intimidate prisoners. It consists of wooden walls and two large prison cells, on each side of the room, with a bench and a hole to send your waste into the sea in each. Their close proximity to the prow tortures prisoners by making them listen to Sally (See below) screech and by getting them seasick. Also, a TV screen on the ceiling constantly plays reruns of Seinfield, with subliminal images of anal lesbian buttsecks mixed in until the inhabitant becomes a gibbering wreck.

The inner sanctum consists mainly of quarters. The door leading in has a barrier shield so that water cannot enter and wet things, and the hall inside is wooden with Davy’s prized organ at the far end. His room is the largest, with a bed, carpet, bookshelf, bedside lamp, crap TV, PS2, DS, laptop, and a stuffed Davy Stoned that squeaks when pinched. He also has the walls covered in OHA posters. Across the hall is the guest room, occupied by friends, then the potty, and then the minions’ room. Davy’s crew includes:

1) Captain Heckler Barbooza – A childhood friend of Davy’s who plays poker with him. When sober, Barbooza is the coolest pimp in this dimension and can supply all sorts of chicks except those with small knockers. Barbooza’s blade transmits genital herpes when it cuts people, and his pistol bullets are coated in the blood of someone with a STD to punish those who do bad things to his girls.
2) Larry – A giant mutant human with a starfish head. Larry is, quite bluntly, retarded, but is incredibly strong. He can pull his head off, along with liberal duct tape, and throw it like a blade disc in his signature attack called the “Larry Star.” However, his IQ drops several notches every time he does so.
3) Moe – A mutant human-seahorse who sits in the crow’s nest. It is referred to as an it because male seahorses get pregnant, and Moe has been known to do so, but Moe is also partially human, so it may also have been female. Thus, everyone plays it safe.
4) Curly – A mutant human-tuna who is Stoned’s bravest and most loyal and most intelligent henchman. However, Davy shuns Curly because he hates Chicken of the Sea.
5) Jeb – The first mate and a Texan hammerhead shark. He has a tendency to forget to turn sideways to run through doors, and so bashed his left eye out once. He has a cowboy hat and two cousins: one named George who can only speak in monosyllabic words, and a godly one known as Chuck.
6) Mini-Me – An Asian midget who escaped from Austin Powers and worked for Hack Sparrow until he discovered that Barbooza gave better benefits. He has a lot of big-ass guns.
7) Sally – A platinum-blond whore who is strapped to Davy’s prow because he was too cheap to buy a real figurehead. She gives Davy migraines by continuously screaming until he gives her a purple nurple.

[HyperGFreak]

DAVY STONED: CONT:


History:

Several thousand years ago, during the time of the Roman empire, there lived the past’s version of a hippie. His name was Davy Calamari Jones, and he protested against Roman conquest until Julius Caesar, being an absolute ruler, evicted him from his makeshift hut outside the palace and threw him into Greece. There, Jones frequented the beach, until one day when he was looking for clams in the foam and he found himself fondling a naked lady.

That part was sliced from the Aphrodite legend. Fortunately for the goddess, Ares showed up and beat the shit out of Jones. The Greeks, fearing Jones angered the gods, threw him out into Africa. Somehow, the hippie made his way down south, where he found a town and a seductive African immortal, the goddess of the Sea, known as Mel Gibson’s Apocalypso. Jones, ever since the Aphrodite incident, had a fetish for sea immortals, and went after her with a passion.

Finally, after endless pleading, Apocalypso agreed to let Davy f*ck her, but only if he ferried soles to World’s End in the North Pole for a decade straight. Thinking he was helping the ecosystem, the hippie took fish to a workshop staffed by diminutive little men and underpaid minority workers for a slightly overweight guy in a red suit to eat.

However, after ten years, Davy came to Apocalypso and the two got into bed. She got into his pants, literally, by turning into expensive crab cuisine and pinching off half his wiener. Jones freaked and rolled out of bed, crushing half the crabs. Furious, she bitch slapped him so hard that his head exploded, then ripped off his hand and a leg. After she cooled down, she realized that it wasn’t his fault and fixed him up, turning him into his current form and giving him the One Bling to Rule Them All (See below).

A furious Davy got revenge by hurling the soles into outer space and running off, where she cursed him forever by banning him to the seas and allowing him on land only once every 10 years. From then on, when a sole fell through the atmosphere, it caused a green flash.

Davy traveled to the bottom of the sea and went to high school with various Water Pokémon, Ebirah, and the SpongeBob Squarepants crew, where he became infamous for always scowling and keeping crack in his locker. He provided it to the SpongeBob guys, being responsible for their druggy actions nowadays, and also got his nickname of Stoned.

After graduating, Stoned bummed around for thousands of years, getting friends and a ship and killing people for the hell of it. Finally, in the year 2010, it was finally time for Davy to set foot on land in our universe, setting off a chain of events in the Davy Stoned trilogy (Davy Stoned and the Claw of Castration, Davy Stoned and the Order of the Fetus, and Davy Stoned and the Secret Diary of the Half-Assed Prince). A brief synopsis of them is as follows:

Davy arrives on land to restock on booze, girls, and more, but his faithful shark, Jeb, loses the Dead Eunuch’s Chest, where it is appropriated by the nefarious Governor Ducky and his ugly duckling daughter, Elizabeth Ducky. Stoned and his minions recruit Barbooza to their cause, but first must sink the Titanic and assassinate Leonardo diCrazio, a gigolo of Barbooza’s. After that, they get the Chest and must sail to World’s Start by going up Niagara Falls. There, they arrive at Never-Never Land and meet the Lord of the Pimps, Michael Jackson, only to find that he has no chicks with small knockers. After that, they return to Earth and defeat Hack Sparrow’s Moby Dick and give it to Barbooza.

After that, they jointly terrorize Earth, until the mutants lose Davy’s Bling in Australia. Davy declares war on the continent, and after running around with his feet in buckets, finally recovers it and sets half the place in havoc simultaneously. Apocalypso, and the rest of the bitchy Heathen Court (Including Marilyn Monroe, the zombie of Anna Nicole Smith, Hilary Duff, Jessica Simpson, a bald Britney Spears, Bootstrap “Bill” Stoner, and Hack Sparrow) vow to seal Davy away forever, and to do this they go to the underwater city of Atlantis and request the aid of Poseidon. At the same time, Davy and co. arrive at Atlantis to watch Atlantean idol, but are driven off. Davy, Barbooza, and Mini-me leave, while the Kraken is left locked in a duel with the Giant Squid, a defense kaiju, and the mutants hide in the city. There, the crabby Simon Crustacean discovers Curly’s hidden talent as a pop singer and trains him, while everyone else helps a revolutionary, Nazi Nessie, in her attempts to nuke Atlantis. Finally, Davy returns and blows the city to hell, while discovering that Fido is female, as Krakens devour their partners after mating. An army of mini-Krakens, Nessie’s terrorists, and the Dutchman blast Atlantis to hell, while Curly sings “Hit Me Baby One More Time” to stop the Heathen Court. At the end, Poseidon has testicular cancer, Apocalypso has been given 100000000 menstruations per minute and is now in permanent menopause, and a weird guy called Milo Ass has been appropriated from Atlantis.

Finally, as Davy and co. leave, Poseidon goes crying to his big bro Hades, also known as Lucifer ("Call me Lucy!"), who begins the Armageddon prophesied by the Mayans. Davy, in an attempt to escape, sails to the middle of the Bermuda Triangle, only to discover that a portal there has opened up and three other members of the future NSDA (The Xilian Leader, Kurata Shinya, and Gendo Ikari) have teleported in and are preparing to destroy the world themselves. In the process, Milo Ass is lost, but he leaves behind a secret diary that tells of a mystical Belt of Chastity, the only thing that can put Hades and his lust for women under control. Davy and his crew half-heartedly head out to find it, and in the process Davy finally feels like getting reconciled with Apocalypso. Finally, they find Davy Stoned’s Locker again, give Poseidon a near-fatal overdose of crack, head in the land of RAWRnia, trap Apocalypso within, and exit with the Belt only to find that the NSDA triad has beaten the shit outta Hades. Horrified, Davy ditches his crew (Who eventually open up a restaurant and star in later NSDA novels), before fleeing into the past to participate in the fifth and final part of the NSDA series, The War of the Bling.

While the War is extensively covered in more detail with other characters, suffice to say Davy was the one who sparked it. After his/her/its defeat, Lucy the Devil joined forces with the Stark Lord of Whoredor, Whoreon, who lived in a big tower in the middle of medieval Europe. Whoreon, who terrorized random people by creating the magical illusion of a giant talking ass on top of his tower and having the crack say, "I SEE YOU!" at random, wanted the power to control all orgies.

To do so and cause havoc, Lucy sneaks aboard the Womanizing Dutchman and appropriates the Belt of Chastity, before being confronted by Davy Stoned. However, the rest of the NSDA pops in and it turns into a three-way free-for-all, in which Lucy manages to snatch the One Bling to Rule Them All and provide it to Whoreon.

Eventually, joining forces with the NSDA, Myrrh, and some honorary NSDA members allowed Davy Stoned to participate greatly in the War, eventually snatching his Bling back from Whoreon at the last moment before he was hog-tied with a bra and hurled into Mt. KaBoom. Davy has not been in any post-origins directed at him, but has participated in other following novels.

Attacks:

Beard: Davy’s beard can regrow more tentacles. This IS regeneration of a sort, but it does not heal damage, only regrow more. These can stretch to up to 130% their original size, and can beat on people or go in parts of their anatomy and come out another, causing intense pain. Once inside the body, Davy can offensively use the beard to brutally destroy their internals, or snap various limbs/necks. It can also tentacle rape people and play the organ.

Middle Finger: Davy’s middle finger can stretch up to ten feet (2500 meters in his giant form) to whip, slash, and stab at people until they submit to his wrath. This is incredibly durable, and can also constrict with its tentacles. He also uses it a bit like Spider-Man's zip lines to escape when needed.

Keyblade:
The double-bladed key Davy uses to open the Dead Eunuch’s Chest is rumored to either have been jacked from Kingdom Hearts or Garth Nix’s novels. Either way, it is secreted away in his beard, and can be used as a makeshift dagger in a pinch. It can also fire heat beams like Godzilla 2000’s, though, due to the nature of the key, these come in pairs. A smaller, more concentrated beam can be created and sustained to make a lightsaber style thing, giving Davy three blades at max. Davy likes to stick this in locks when opening them and tell prisoners they can go, then blast them with a beam as they exit. This can open any lock in existence, not just the Chest.

Pieces of Fate:
Davy can hurl coins that act like Gigan’s blade discs. When thrown, they crackle with an electric charge. To get an image of this, look at pinwheel Gamera and then take his swirls, make them yellow lightning, and mingle a matrix of more thunder within. The electrical part is on par with being hit with a Shock Bite (Ghidorah) for about ten seconds straight. Davy keeps these in his pockets, usually keeping a supply of about twenty.

Smirnoff Breath:
After drinking Smirnoff vodka from a hip flask, Davy can belch fireballs like Gamera. The hip flask strangely resembles and probably IS a gas container, and if he dips it on the sucker on his cheek, steam will come out of it for ages. Highly explosive and nasty.

Crab Leg:
Davy’s crab leg can stab people, telescope up to five times its normal length, and swivel like a drill to stab into things.

The One Bling to Rule Them All:
A little prophecy is required here:

One Bling to rule them all,
One Bling to fell them,
One Bling to bring them all,
And in the darkness geld them.

Created by Apocalypso, the bling gives its owner the ability to control all the sex in the world, which is why Davy has the Claw. It is a heart-shaped locket that plays a pivotal role in the War of the Bling NSDA mini-series, when Whoreon, the Dark Lord of Whoredor, gets a hold of it. When opened, it plays a rendition of “You Are So Beautiful” by Kenny Rogers, causing machines to get shocked and nausea and eardrum pain in organic enemies. Davy too is affected, but recovers extremely fast. It can be noted that the sound waves also painfully buffet enemies with concussive force.

The Claw of Castration:
Davy’s lobster claw is the one indestructible part of his body, though it can still feel pain and be scratched. It controls all the sex in the world, and can function as a sword, being strong enough to snap them and other things too. It can also swivel 360 degrees in its socket. The Claw, if it ever comes in contact with genitals, will instantaneously destroy them. If it pinches other parts of the body, it will rip and tear and also send shocks directly to the sex organs. Otherwise, it is a fearsome bludgeoning and stabbing weapon that can also fire Kamehamehas as finishers. The claw can also swivel in its joint and be charged with explosive energy.

Swords:
Davy has a nice, shiny main rapier that he can use effectively, and can throw it as well. He also has a second, rusty broadsword, known as the AIDs Blade, that causes Super-AIDs when it slices someone, basically destroying their ability to blood clot (And immune system) and making them bleed profusely. Monsters can survive this, but it’s fatal in normal mortals.

Vodka:
If Davy splashes his super-Smirnoff on someone, they can get set on fire.

Abilities:

Teleportation:
Davy can teleport anywhere within 300 meters, or anywhere on his ship. This occurs instantaneously and without much effort.

Swimming:
Davy is an adept swimmer and can breathe underwater. Also, it can be noted that most water-based attacks do reduced damage to him. He usually has to hold onto his hat, though.

Immateriality:
Davy can go immaterial and let objects pass through him, or walk through them himself. He will not fall through the ground or anything of the sort while doing this. Also, if for some reason Davy stops doing this while in an object, he will temporarily deplace what part of him is it. Say, if he walks into the side of a canyon and stops, he'll be encased in rock until he walks out, but there won't be a giant Davy-sized hole in it. If he stops in a barrel, he'll be stuck in it until he smashes his way out or steps out. It can be noted that if Davy stops in a sentient creature, he can actually go into it and possess it. Unfortunately, while this works quite well on idiotic humans, most decent fighters can struggle hard enough to kick Davy out after a second or two.

Stab/Geld Immunity:
Davy cannot feel pain from stab or gelding wounds.

Blood and Bones:
Davy’s blood is highly acidic, and he also carries Super-AIDs himself. He is immune to all forms of STDs. However, it can be noted that Davy had very, very little blood himself. Getting impaled or stabbed will not spark blood flows, or if they do, barely noticeable ones. To actually make a decent amount of blood, Davy must be pretty much shorn open. His tentacle beard does not bleed.

Souls of the Dead:
Davy can also collect the souls of the deceased, as a nasty side effect of being a reborn seafood man. He's supposed to send them to bliss in Davy Stoned's locker, but he's too lazy. However, he collects the souls of massive hooker chicks, who he can summon for one turn so they can crush foes with their cleavage.

Dead Eunuch's Chest:
After being ditched by Apocalypso, a saddened Davy Stoned cut out his testicle and tossed it in an indestructible chest, where it is protected from all harm. Davy can cut out various internal organs without harm to himself.

Davy Stoned's Locker:
Davy's high school locker was stolen from Hogfarts School of Bitchcraft and Wizardry, and is an interdimensional portal that leads to an endless void. This is filled with water because he forgot the close the door when he took underwater once, and everything else is mounds upon mounds of crack. Those condemned to eternity in it get so high they hallucinate about crab armies, grounded ships, peanuts, clones of themselves, and giant living pencils.

Life at Sea:
Davy was cursed to sail the seas and only put foot on land once a decade in the year 30 B.C., forcing him to stretch his battery and chocolate life as long as possible. It is said that if he sets foot on land between that time, he will suddenly start vomiting all over his expensive boot. It is also possible for Davy to go on land with his feet wet or to defend the Dutchman/his crew, causing him to tie buckets to his feet and sprint around.

Stretchy Squidness:
Davy is actually blessed with superhuman strength, particularly in his claw, and an incredibly durability. Not only did he show off his impressive six-pack in The Everyday Life of Davy Stoned, he can also lift larger objects and throw them with ease, especially to show off. He can take hits with ease, and has no qualms (Well, he does have qualms, and he’ll express them verbally, but he doesn’t get too badly hurt) about being blasted some distance away. Damaging Davy's flesh is like attacking rubber; in fact, stale, saltwater-drenched rubber: it's pretty dang hard to leave a mark on it.


Inter-NSDA Relationships:
Once again, Davy treats everyone in the Not-So-Deadly Alliance just like he treats his crew: shit. However, he appears to have more of a rivalry with the Xilian Leader, seeing as how they are both the most aggresive and powerful members, and is also one of the few members who does not despise Shinya the Pedophile, probably because he was not around when Kurata molested Shinji Ikari or because he's just too ignorant. Either way, he appears to take Shinya's advice, especially on matters regarding Apocalypso, which really is a bad idea.

With Gendo Ikari and Myrrh, Davy seems to get along just fine. He treats Gendo like his poker buddy Barbooza, as he believes they both have been "scorned by love" and have broken hearts. Because of his experiences in the War of the Bling with Myrrh, Zur, Kelazzo and Frenzy, he seems not to really care what they do, though he still treats the second and third like idiots, which is justified. In the case of Frenzy, Davy thinks machines make great, mindless crew members and slaves, until he catches Frenzy trying to use Davy's untraceable laptop to hack into government agencies.

With everyone else, he treats them all like...once again, shit.

[HyperGFreak]

Name: Evangelion Unit-007, aka Gendo Ikari

Height: The pilot is approximately five feet, but the mech that he uses for combating larger opponents reaches 75 meters in height. It can be noted that the machine is usually semi-stooped, however, making it only about eighty percent of that height. Occasionally, if a glitch occurs, Gendo’s penis will enlarge as he enters the mech, but thankfully for all women, this can be easily remedied.

Weight: Gendo is unnaturally skinny and weighs only about a hundred and fifty pounds, but his machine is approximately 30,000 tons.

Theme Song: Gendo’s theme song is, if I am correct, “Where Will You Go” by Evanescence.

Description:
Gendo is quite possibly the world’s greatest starer. Taken at the official Tokyo-2 Staring Contest three years ago, where Gendo out-stared various children and a bald Britney Spears, it shows his favorite tactic of folding his hands beneath his nose and wiggling his fingers to create the impression of a floppy manhood. Obviously, he did not blink even after the camera’s flash.

Evangelion Unit-007, also known as Gendo Ikari, is a 48-year old man, born on April 29, 1967, who is the supreme dictator and mastermind behind the organizations of GEHIRN, SEELE, and NERV (See below). The Evangelion Units are giant Gundam parodies powered by the souls of dead whores within them, and Gendo is referred to as Unit-007 for two reasons. The first is his sheer awesomeness that makes him one of the five heads of the Not-So-Deadly Alliance (NSDA) , added to the fact that he is a formidable fighter. The other is named after the giant robot that he pilots.

Starting from the head up and going down, Gendo has rather wild and unruly hair; not so wild to the point where he wouldn’t be considered for a job interview, but still kinda crazy. Still, he’s an anime character, so you can’t blame him. He has a relatively long, sharp and hooked nose, as well as a continuously furrowed brow. His flesh on every part of his body is incredibly pale and white, leading to some assumptions that Gendo is actually an albino. This is a misconception, seeing as how his hair is black and his irises are either black or a really dark brown. The color of his pupils are uncertain due to the fact that no one has ever managed to stare through his spectacles at his real eyes for more than five seconds without simultaneously shitting, pissing, and vomiting on themselves. Also, his hair is most obviously not dyed, and Gendo himself has confirmed this. He also has a slight tan from his past days sitting out on the beach ogling Yui Ikari (See below) sunbathing behind his ears, where he forgot to put sunscreen. In all aspects, his skin pigment may merely be assumed to be the result of long hours indoors.

Gendo also sports a neatly trimmed beard that goes around his blunted chin and up his cheeks a bit. Surprisingly, this is incredibly hygienic, because unlike other people, Gendo makes special effort to clean his facial hair after meals. This in itself is a primary defining characteristic of Gendo. Also present are Gendo’s infamous spectacles. They are specially ordered from Lenscrafters, and Gendo constantly insists that he was overcharged for them, seeing as he has multiple pairs. However, many others believe that this was well worth it, seeing as how his spectacles increase his awesomeness by a factor of six point five and also grant him many magical powers. He also has to ability to make them mirrored with the touch of a button on the nosebridge. These spectacles are oval-shaped and are tinted brown when see-through, and to Gendo’s great annoyance, have also become a collector’s item for Rei Ayanami (See below), sparking Gendo to roar “Where’s that albino b*tch?” whenever his glasses go missing. Unfortunately, they have a tendency to do so just when he needs to read some important government papers.

Gendo’s thin, pale lips are another one of his traits. While Gendo has been seen with traces of a smile multiple times on rare occasions, and many times in pictures, especially with Yui, in the present day he has never been seen to laugh. This has been grounds for many “Make Ikari Laugh!” contests inside NERV and SEELE, but Gendo has proven unsusceptible to many different variations. These ended after Shigeru Aoba leaped out into Gendo’s path and tickled his armpits while making random air guitar noises with his mouth.

The resulting misunderstanding was eventually explained, but by then Gendo had efficiently kneed Aoba in the balls, clubbed him over the head, and tossed him into NERV’s elevator before setting it to the lowest floor and calling security to arrest a mugger running around the facility. Otherwise, the one time he came near laughing was when news of the break-dancing Angel arrived, in which a technician reported, “Commander Ikari, sir! A break-dancing Angel has attacked the Evangelion Units!” To this, Gendo responded, “You think I’m frightened enough to consider Michael Jackson an Angel? Ha. That’s a good one.”

Unfortunately for Gendo, his friend Ryoji Kaji (See below), the notorious womanizer and prankster, happened to be conducting an interrogation two doors over. His tape recorder picked up the volume of the “Ha,” and using the sound editing program Audacity, Kaji managed to edit them together into a “Ha-ha” with Gendo’s voice and put it on a tape recorder. To this day, he follows Gendo around playing the tape recorder and saying, “Laugh, Gendo, laugh!” This has not been met with any visible sort of amusement.

Otherwise, Gendo has shown other emotions, including confusion/indecision (Check his brow), anger, surprise, and of course, lust. Down from his relatively long and craned neck is a red sweatshirt with a black coat thrown over it. This last has buttons and flaps over its shoulders and wrists, and is open on the front. It has yellow traces around the wrists, and a greenish, triangular zipper. Gendo is almost always seen wearing this, except by PenPen (See below), who has seen Gendo wearing nothing. Due to the fact that he even wears these heat-attracting clothes on hot summer days without them smelling, it is presumed that he has many sets of these clothes, as well as his loose-fitting, fancy ebony pants. These have super-sized pockets for his hands to fit in.

It can also be noted that Gendo shows no reaction to climate around him, and when not affected by another emotion, remains with his face blank. Kaji once dunked Gendo with a bucket of frigid water before proffering a floral Hawaiian T-shirt and shorts, telling Gendo that he didn’t have to keep so hot for the ladies 24-hours a day. Gendo responded with five words:

“F*ck you, Kaji. F*ck you.”

Later, when asked if this hurt his feelings, Kaji responded with an answer that either meant ‘no’ or that he’d read way too many Rogue Warrior novels, saying that if he got five cents every time someone said that to him, he’d be livin’ la vida loca in Las Vegas with the whores by now. Most people assume that this is a combination of both.

Back on topic, Gendo’s feet are encased in typical tennis shoes, with long socks pulled halfway up to his knee. His hands are also encased in white, Mario-style gloves, as he repeatedly claims that they are disfigured and need to be hidden from view. Those who have seen his hands comment that he is exaggerating and that they don’t look like anything special next to the Swiss cheese that is Freddy Krueger’s, but he has apparently ignored them. Either way, the gloves give him one hell of a bitch AND a pimp slap.

While Gendo is just your everyday human, he pilots possible the 13th or 14th functional Evangelion Unit, known as Evangelion Unit-007. To get an image of the Evangelion, it is necessary to first know what the basic design of an Evangelion is. A picture of one (Unit-02, to be precise) can be seen here. Characteristic of them are dazzling speed and strength, provided with twin...panels on their shoulders, a dinosaur/dragon-esque head, and a humanoid pose and form with a skinny torso, as well as interlocking plates of armor. Interestingly, they can also bleed when damaged.

Unit-007 is...slightly different than other Units, but not by much. Her head is streamlined and draconian, akin to Unit-02’s in the picture, including jutting-out jaw and squarish teeth that look like the mouth of the devil themselves. She has triangular, semi-slanted eyes that actually don’t connect at the foremost tip, making it a streamlined quadrilateral that is impossible to differentiate from the aforementioned shape. Either way, these eyes glow crimson, and a thin crimson band (Thin and hard to see) actually goes forwards from one eye, to the conjoining part of the two sides of the head, then to the other eye, almost giving the Evangelion an appearance of having spectacles like Gendo. He does not take kindly to these cracks, either. She also has a curved, flattish horn on its forehead, akin to Unit-01’s (Not linked to here. You want to see, do a Google image search.). There is also a tiny, third circular eye above the band in the center of her head, a smaller version of the also missing Unit-00.

Unless otherwise specified, Unit-007’s armor is also ebony, like Gendo’s suit or Bardiel. Her neck transfers into a thicker chest and shoulders like in the picture, only with a red (...like Gendo’s sweatshirt) patch on the frontal neck. Surprisingly, Unit-007, while having a skinnier waist like other Evas, actually has a somewhat broad chest that takes more time to translate into the waist, resulting in a heftier build. She has a bulge on the back as in the picture, and also sharpened spines down her back to the point where her anus would be. Twin T-shaped “wings” shoot out of her bulge, forming a widened H-shape at the end. However, unlike other Evangelions, Gendo’s can extend these outwards like wings, allowing them to create an anti-gravity field. These are also black and red.

Otherwise, the body shape of Evangelion Unit-007 is the same as the one in the picture: humanoid arms, with various grayish panels and text upon them, humanoid arms, crests and blades jutting back from the wrists, flexible/powerful legs with knee spikes, and various armor crests/holes/gaps, all that mecha goodness. Unlike other Evas, her feet are three-clawed and almost skeletal.

Relationships start to take a major detour from there. Embedded in the middle of her chest is a nigh-indestructible reddish orb, with a black sphere in it, similar to an Angel’s core. Damaging it is like trying to destroy a rubber bouncy ball with your own hands, as Gendo put it, so it’s much more prudent to kill the mech and throw the ball into a volcano or something, which might not even destroy it then. This is technically a combination core/S2 engine/AT Field maker/Big Ooh and Ahh thingamajigger. There are three slots in the Evangelion’s shoulders. The one on the left pops out an enlarged version of Gendo’s Swiss Army Prog (See Attacks), the one on the right pops out the Lance of Longinus, and the one in the bulge/shoulder blades fires out confetti for random distractions and parades.

Also, two slots on the sides of the Evangelion’s chest can hock out N2 grenades. To lower her streamlined-ness even more, the Evangelion has two guns, one on each arm, connected like gauntlets. Each one resembles a medieval shield, extended into an isosceles trapezoid covered in military gibberish and armored like the robot. They are pointed barrel first downwards, and when needed slide forwards and insert their handles/triggers into the Eva’s hands. They can also slide forwards halfway and use the barrels as weapons. The one on the right, which is whitish and has a black cord connecting it to the Eva’s ass (I’m not kiddin’ ya) is a modified positron rifle, and the pitch-black one on the left is a giant SMG.

The entry plug, and Gendo’s cockpit, of a sort, is a white tube that Gendo sits in before being inserted into the Evangelion. Gendo’s, unsurprisingly but unorthodoxly, goes into the crotch area of the Eva, looking for all the world like a giant penis. Also, Gendo has no “synch ratio” whatsoever, and just wears his suit into his LCL-devoid mech, but by the power of his sheer awesomeness his Eva can read his mind and perform what he wants her to do in a battle. Because of this, his entry plug consist of a cushy, seat belted chair, a full panoramic view captured by outside cameras of his surroundings, and a desk for him to fold his arms on and do his weird hand gestures. This desk has multiple buttons for Gendo to give manual commands, a speaker up on the roof for him to yell into (Which magnifies his voice for people outside to hear), a geranium in the corner, a music player, and a mini-fridge.

It can also be noted, by all the “she’s,” that Evangelion Unit-007 is feminine and powered by the soul of Yui Ikari. “Powered” is misleading, as the history below shows, as Gendo doesn’t do much more but climb inside the Eva and moon over her from inside while she comes to life outside and starts masturbating. Still, she can double as a fighting machine if necessary.

Gendo, however, being the pilot, still has personality to describe, and that’s where we’ll go next. Gendo Ikari has often been thought of, bluntly, as an asshole and pedophile. However, that’s a common misconception. Unlike Davy Stoned, who really is an asshole, Gendo is just a misunderstood and really devoted husband. Usually, Gendo is a stoic guy who rarely talks, thinks first and acts later, and who often stares at things in many poses with his hands folded in various ways. Despite his taciturnity, when he talks, he has something worthwhile to say.

Either way, Gendo is quite literally a genius, both academically (Having graduated with a Ph.D in almost...everything) and in the real world, even able to manipulate others while letting them think that they are manipulating him. He usually barks things in short sentences with a gruff voice, though he’s not above sibilant whispers. He is an incredibly submissive and loyal husband who worships his wife, Yui Ikari, as if she were God, Chuck Norris, Don Frye and Mr. Rogers combined, and is willing to do anything for her, going insane if someone says “Yui” and “b*tch” in the same sentence. To do so, he often does what people call “Bad Things,” but from Gendo’s eyes are just everyday actions, like manipulating, stealing, screwing, and occasionally shooting. Either way, his personality suffered a major revamp after his attempted to make everyone HIP (See History), when he figured out that his wife was going to be pretty damn pissed at him after she figured out how he murdered one of his coworkers with an Uzi and “neglected” (He called it “Building character”) her son. Currently, Gendo’s still an asshole, only he doesn’t kill people and goes out of his way to be nice to kids. This has enforced suspicions of him being a pedophile, but otherwise Gendo is the ultimate party boy, with the most awesome break-dancing skills in the history of man. And despite his shitty as hell synch ratios, he can bring the house down when he starts Moonwalking in his Eva...quite literally, in fact, if he steps on it.

During his time, Gendo has acquired a series of “friends” outside the NSDA who have stuck with him through thick, thin, and a whole lot of obesity. They include:

1) Lorenz Keel – Lorenz is an X-men reject who resembles Cyclops with a fancy green military suit and gray hair. While he apparently has delusions of making everyone in the world HIP, he’s really just a near-harmless World of Warcraft addict who just hides in a dark room leveling up all day. I say near harmless because he does have a certain circle of influence, known as his “WoW Buddy List.” When he needs money or an army, all he does is muster them and send them charging off to pay his debts of stab people to death with pencils; he can also fire laser beams from his eye. He’s also a cyborg, due to his metal eye gauntlet and penis. The latter will be explained in the History, but suffice to say he can regenerate from almost nothing. This is shown as Keel is one of Gendo’s main comrades killed in HIP, with only his metal penis left behind, but his entire body later regenerates from that.
2) Ryoji Kaji – Kaji is actually a James Bond reject who was fired after he was caught screwing the director. Despite this, Kaji is an amazing superspy who can defy the laws of physics and realism, and does secret missions of Gendo, AKA “His Pervertedness.” Aside from this, Kaji is a notorious prankster and womanizer, and stole a secret formula that cures Super-AIDs. He grows watermelons right outside NERV’s toilets, using the shit for fertilizer, and likes to grow them in sets of two next to each other. All innuendos are fairly obvious.
3) PenPen the Penguin – PenPen is a penguin that runs around with a cooler strapped to his back. Gendo appropriated him from Misato, Kaji’s girlfriend, after she was caught abusing him by forcing him to stare at her God-awful, horrendously ugly boobs. PenPen is a sick pervert who enjoys staring at men in bubble baths now and eating beer, but he’s not above looking up ladies’ skirts, either. He is actually God in disguise on an earthly vacation, and has actually used his superhuman intelligence to steal Gendo’s MasterCard with his beak and use it to build random churches all over Japan.
4) Rei Ayanami – Rei happens to be the one cause of the rumors surrounding Gendo and pedophilia. While Gendo is supposedly the guardian of Rei, something that he does a half-assed job of, Rei is actually the guardian angel of Gendo. Unfortunately, this causes her to do anything to make Gendo happy. Because PenPen has a strange misconception of what makes men happy, his orders to make Gendo pleased basically involve Rei walking up to Gendo stark-naked and offering to screw him at complete and utter random, even in public places. All of this aside, she worships him and is a formidable fighter, using her AT field, various weapons, and her nudity to defend Gendo. It can be noted that Gendo has no idea why she keeps trying to f*ck him, and all he knows is that if he needs to get a suicidal job done, he can just toss her in and she’ll come back to life in seven days, either from a scientific test tube or out of his television. Especially due to her rather strange collection of his spectacles, this has lead people to believe Gendo is a pedophile who forces her to screw him, when the opposite is true. Like the other four here, she is instrumental in HIP.

Everything else shall be explained below. It can lastly be noted that Gendo and his Evangelion worship each other, and that Gendo wastes time every weekend shining her and masturbating on her, while the Eva does similar, only without the washing part.

[HyperGFreak]

History:
This is a summary of what happens in the NSDA novels “Kurata Shinya: High School Teacher Extraordinaire” and “The Memoirs of Gendo Ikari.”

Before this begins, a little backstory must be given. There are, to date, three separate dimensions, each with its own version of Earth: a separate dimension for Earth-1, Earth-2, and Earth-3, respectively. Originally, Earth-1 was the only to exist. But, in World War II, a dimensional paradox came to be.

In all respects, psychics are generally hated, despised, and considered inferior members of the human race because their livelihood comes from making up straight bullshit, just like lawyers. However, in World War II, psychics all over the world actually had a prediction that wasn’t vague, stupid, or made by spying on their clients’ lives. It was true, 100% true. The only thing was, no one knew it at the time.

However, the sheer nature of something like that happening was filled with wrong-ness. A cheesy 1-800 fortune teller being right? That went against the nature of the universe! And so, the galaxy responded by starting WWII, and we all know the rest of the story. Tragic events, many deaths, Pearl Harbor, concentration camps, and other bad things. Sad as it is, though, that’s a story for another day or for your encyclopedia. After the paradox created by the correct psychics’ predictions, the world responded by creating a horrible weapon of carnage and mass destruction, otherwise known as the nuke. Shortly after the usage of the nuclear bombs, not only were entire cities flattened, but the dimension cloned itself twice, each Earth having a different scenario, each occurring in 1954.

In the first scenario, Earth-1, nuclear bombs really did awaken a saurian beneath the sea, and this gave way to the kaiju universe, home of the Xilian Leader. In scenario two and three, kaiju are no more than creatures of film lore, and the two are differentiated by something else in 1954: the advent of the hippies. In Earth-2, hippies never came to be, and thus people did not care about the environment and peace, but developed technology a bit earlier than us. This was also, thankfully, the only dimension where their dreams could come true. In Earth-3, our world and Davy Stoned’s, hippies live...and you all know what that did to our sanity.

Gendo’s world was Earth-2. He was born on April 29, 1967 in Japan to parents Gend Isscary and Doe Isscary. Incidentally, they named their son Gend+Doe, thus Gendo. It can also be noted that Isscary, pronounced how it sounds, rhymes with Ikari. Gendo also had an older brother by about six years, Odneg, and they all lived happily for a while. Gendo had a boring, typical kiddy life, blah blah blah, pissing in his diapers, eating mush, growing up, getting his face all over the camcorders as a toddler, etc. His only problem was the time he made a big deal out of not getting to go see that Godzilla vs. Megalon film when he was about six. He eventually saw it later, and commented how it was possibly the worst movie he’d ever seen.

However, when Gendo was in third grade, everything changed. Literally. One day, Gendo walked into the room he shared with his brother Odneg, only to see Odneg hunched over the computer monitor. Gendo noticed how overprotective of the screen’s contents Odneg was, and wondered what dirty things his brother was up to now, being in puberty and such. Their conversation went a little like this:

“Hey, Odneg, whatcha doin’?”

“Nothing...”

“Of course you’re doing something! It looks like you’re humping the screen!”

“Shut up and stop being nosy, you little twerp!”

“Let me see what’s on the screen.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“You sure?”

“Wait...what’s really on it?”

But it was too late. Odneg moved aside, allowing Gendo full view of what he had been ogling when Gendo first walked in. The third-grader’s eyes widened to their maximum size as he stared in horror. His brother was low. Lower than he’d ever thought. His brother was a freak. A freak of nature, a disgusting, nauseating thing. Odneg hadn’t just been looking at porn like any good, nice boy. Had he been doing so, Gendo would probably have sat down and joined him. No, Odneg was staring at horny anal lesbian rape, the most disgusting thing to come to the world ever since Jamba Juice.

To make matters worse, Odneg was in a site chock-full of it all. He was also a supreme asshole, and he saw his brother’s reactions, so he started scrolling down in front of his transfixed, mortified sibling. Gendo saw licking, shoving, moaning, grunting, kicking, biting, writhing, and to his intense horror, dildos. Being a supreme dick, Odneg even grabbed Gendo’s hands and traced them over the outline of an ass, uttering disgusting things himself.

Gendo’s mind finally clicked, and he sprinted to the fireplace in the living room (His parents, fortunately, were at work) and shoved his hands into it, disfiguring them and burning them. It is a common misconception he did this trying to rescue Rei Ayanami from within an Evangelion. Gendo actually stood back with Kaji and threw grenades at the door until they exploded, as a vitals scan told them that she was alive and well.

Once his hands were purified, Gendo rushed back in to confront his manical bro, Odneg. However, Odneg had retaliated by looking up “Girl-on-Girl Purple Nurple” on Google images. This pushed Gendo off the deep end, accidentally causing the young Gendo to use the powers of sheer awesomeness that would later make him an important member of the NSDA. In response, Odneg’s soul put up his AT Field (See below), but the power of awesomeness easily PWN’d the AT Field and turned Odneg into mush. Unable to control his uberness, the young Gendo squandered most of his awesomeness by remotely changing the past, wiping the disgusting thing that was Odneg out of history. Even he forgot exactly what happened then, though Gendo did have memories of some traumatizing childhood event.

This was only discovered after the union of the NSDA, where Davy Stoned returned here and recorded what happened. His mind was able to avoid being wiped due to his own awesomeness, but he fortunately decided not to bring it up to Gendo. Either way, while other members of the NSDA have, in times of crisis, used bursts of sheer awesomeness to destroy all around them, Gendo has only kept his innate coolness.

After that, Gendo was taunted about his hands and his cool gloves by jealous idiots. Unfortunately for them, Gendo was not your normal kid. The sheer disgustingness of what he’d seen now caused his eyesight to consistently get worse, but despite this, he had now turned in an A-class nerd, and the bullies who went after Gendo found themselves suddenly flunking their classes.

Gendo was also a great teacher’s pet.

Gendo stayed this way for ages, working his ass off through universities and spending his free time locked in a room on forums and staring a proper Hentai like any good boy should, and graduated with a Ph.D in a lot of stuff. However, when he exited school, he found himself scooped up by a cryptic organization known as GEHIRN. He never saw his parents again, but by then they were already senile, so it didn’t really matter.

All Gendo knew about GEHIRN was that it was a giant pyramidal building in Japan where he and about six other geniuses out of work had to stay. They sat in cubicles in the same room every day, no clue of what they were doing, while guards prohibited contact with each other. They had to sleep, eat, and live in the complex, and could only leave on their vacation time. They were paid exceptionally well in all regards, and all they had to do was get pictures taken of all of them once in a while.

Still, it was a boring existence. The computer only had minesweeper, and anyone whose played it knows it starts getting monotonous after the first twenty-six games. Gendo spun in his swivel chair, kicked the wall, and twiddled his thumbs every day, going to the bathroom whenever he needed to stretch his legs. They didn’t pay him enough vacation to get out often enough, and he was bored as hell. Some guy a cubicle over yelled at one point, “GEHIRN stands for Great Evil Horny Idiots Ravaging Nations!” The guard got a chuckle, and from then on that’s what GEHIRN was. Seriously, though, all Gendo knew was that GEHIRN was a government hush-hush thing that really did jack shit.

One day, though, Gendo sparked a revolution. With his horrible eyesight, he stumbled into the room and bumped into a bookshelf full of books others had bought on their vacation time, knocking over mainly steamy adult novels onto the guard. It knocked him senseless, giving the seven free rein for a while.

Hey, no one said playboys had to be light.

There, Gendo met Lorenz Keel, Ryoji Kaji, Naoko Akagi, Asuka’s mom whose name I forgot, Bozo Fuyutsuki, and Yui Ikari, all of which decided on a plan to unite them all. The next time Keel went out, he acquired seven World of Warcraft discs, and Kaji and Gendo clubbed the next guard. Keel installed a WoW network on their comps, and from then on they could communicate and would never again be bored.

They had no lives (Literally), so no one could blame them for overleveling their characters. Keel eventually typed lines to a publisher on WoW, who eventually wrote a book about their plight in GEHIRN. It flopped in the market. Kaji raised ten ridiculously strong characters on different accounts and got nine banned. Gendo had long conversations with Yui (Apparently, the girls all thought he was a hero for clubbing both guards, even though the first was accidental), and they soon ran their characters into each other for online sex.

Despite the sheer weirdness of this, Gendo also noticed that Bozo Fuyu was also infatuated with Yui, despite he was about thirty damn years older than her, which was utterly gross and disgusting, but he decided to let the guy go. Keel grabbed his buddy list (Which numbered 100 then and probably 100,000 now) and they had the first MMORPG wedding in the history of man, which required a lot of coordination on Keel’s part.

Things were great. Until one day, when some psycho terrorist covered himself in Christmas lights and ran to the arctic with a nuke stuck up his ass. With the ethereal glow the freak had created, he promptly began calling himself an “Angel” and threatened someone to do something. The public was terrified, and they turned to GEHIRN, actually giving our heroes calls for the first time. Gendo finally realized that they were just government scapegoats trying to show off what geniuses were working for Uncle Sam or whoever, and when he pointed that out, no one took it kindly. So when someone asked Lorenz Keel what he wanted to do about the freak up north, he said the lines that changed Earth-2 forever.

“Ah, who gives a damn. Blow the idiot up and all we’ll kill are some Eskimos and penguins. No one lives up there anyway.”

Unfortunately, the guy had neglected to mention the five or so homemade nukes scattered around him, so when it hit, the mushroom cloud covered earth, global warming came and went, natural disasters occurred, and all hell broke loose. People fled, and everyone in GEHIRN was going to as well when Gendo pointed out they were in a fortified government building and had resources. So they stuck it out for a few months, while Gendo repeatedly screwed his wife until she was pregnant.

When they finally emerged, Earth was in shambles and Santa Claus was dead. That was when Gendo and Keel came up with a plot: they could claim to be government heroes and take over the world! Gendo changed GEHIRN to the cooler NERV (Nearly-Nude, Experienced, and Ready-to-Go Virgins), while Keel broke into Arkham Asylum, found some old buddies, and dug a hole into Japan to create the near-useless SEELE (Super Evil Enigmas Losing Esteem), where they just played WoW.

Soon, they united the planet under the domain of the so-called United Nations, doing nothing whatsoever and livin’ La Vida Loca. Hell, with a bunch of mental MMORPG geeks ruling the world, things were better than before, what with the planet in eternal summer and whatnot. That was, until the Angels showed up. The souls of some killed in the cataclysm were now being shoved into butt-ugly mutants, dubbed Angels, and parachuted (No kidding) down onto Tokyo and the newly christened NERV. Well, they were first skydived, but all they did were create some big splatters on the ground, or Geofront.

In defense, Keel grabbed his WoW buddies and began paying Gendo to make giant robots, knowing that there was going to be some time when the falling objects would stop impaling themselves on towers and start making safe landings. Gendo, with his degrees and all, came up with an idea. While rummaging around under NERV, he found a dead giant (Possibly related to the giant in Jack and the Beanstalk) crucified while red stuff was around her. However, its chemical makeup was not blood, but actually what Gendo called LCL: Liquid Cooled Laxatives. With this, he could somehow (The details are uncertain) make giant robots that were powered by the souls of dead whores.

Incidentally, half of the original female GEHIRN members had been snatched off the streets of Vegas. They had some experience, and Yui led a few to go banzai and help NERV make a few bots. Of course, the Angels kept coming in on suicide runs, and none attacked. This led Gendo to think the loss of his beloved wife a waste, and promptly cry like a little girl and send his baby son, Shinji, off to live in the middle of nowhere. Not that he cared. Kid was kinda creepy in the first place.

However, everything changed once PenPen showed up. Due to strange circumstances, Gendo managed to rescue a penguin from its abusive owner. Soon after this, Rei showed up to stalk Gendo with no clothes on, though somehow only Keel managed to put the two together. Eventually, using bird food and copious booze, Kaji got the penguin to peck out phrases on a keyboard. Somehow, the penguin was God come down from Heaven to see what the f*ck humans had done to Earth, and he was now giving them a chance to utilize the Lance of Longinus and the Tree of Life to escape their planetary hellhole. However, they’d have to stop his “Angels,” first.

After a few days of putting his uber-brain to the test, Gendo had put it all together. The Lance of Longinus was a spear meant to represent the utmost bliss, according to PenPen, and due to the accounts of a “Fiery spear of pleasure” or something by some ancient saint or something, the Lance represent a penis. The Tree of Life was a tree, or manhood, that created life! Bingo! And the Angels, who “guarded” the Tree, merely had to be defeated to get access to the giant penis that would make everyone happy!

Keel agreed that it made sense down in his WoW pit. According to one of the several thousand people on his buddy list (Apparently, people played MMORPGs even after the apocalypse), in WWII a correct prediction was made by psychics about instrumentality and all this stuff. No one was exactly sure what they said, because no one listens to that drivel anyway, but wasn’t a manhood an instrument of a sort?

Of course, PenPen’s troops were getting better aim, and so Gendo needed pilots for his robots. Kaji pointed out they should just grab bratty kids that everyone hated and no one would miss, and so they did. About that time, a freaky man showed up. He was, in fact, Kurata Shinya, and he was applying for a job at a local high school. His resume was obviously a fake and he was 100% pedophile, but in Gendo’s eyes, he’d root out the weak.

By the time the preliminaries for the bots were all finished, Gendo had established the fact that Yui was in one robot, some German lady in the next, and Marilyn Monroe in the third. He just didn’t know which was which. Either way, by then Shinya had been tearing the good ol’ high school apart by bringing in Saw III for kids to watch, taking them on field trips to orgies, and playing dodgeball using prototype N2 grenades that he somehow got a hold of. By then, there were about six or seven survivors. One was addicted to GI Joe and the army, so he was out. Another was apparently a big fan of Brokeback Mountain, so he was out too. The other two had horrible character and thus skipped.

That left one Kaji suggested, a psychotic German chick who’d they’d have to wait for, seeing as how Shinya sent her off to Germany on an “Educational” Trip to get a swastika on her ass. There was Ayanami, Shinya’s personal favorite, because she didn’t make a big shit when he went into the girl’s room with his groping fingers o’ doom. And the third?

Gendo was overjoyed to see his son again. Shinji had grown well. He wasn’t too tall, but they could fix that with a touch of steroids. He shook his son’s hand, they gave each other man-hugs, and everyone had a happy reunion. That was, until Shinji took off his pants to go piss.

Gendo was mortified. The Ikaris had been known for big mountains fore and aft, the Isscarys for long penises. Shinji didn’t even have a small one. He was...an eunuch. Gendo was so shocked and disappointed, he barely managed to stutter out a good-bye and leave without disowning the kid.

After that, he was the first to submit the kid to pilot mechs on suicidal missions against...well, God, who sat in his refrigerator reading Bibles and relaxing all day.

Things went well. Shinya made life hell for the kids and was more than happy to torture Shinji at Gendo’s request, and the freaks PenPen threw at them were pitiful. Sure, it got kinda weird when he resurrected Michael Jackson and William Hung to make the break-dancing Israfel, and some people started questioning his judgment when the Iron Chefs came back as Zeruel and a giant non-racist testicle attacked the city, but aside from that, all was well.

Keel, however, soon discovered that whoever defeated the last Angel and got into the Tree of Life would have the power to make one wish to change the world. He alerted Kaji and Gendo, and both agreed on one thing: For God’s sakes (And theirs), they were NOT going to let one of several kids turn into a demigod. Then Gendo came up with another plan to make everyone happy and hip, tentatively dubbed the HIP (Human Instrumentality Project). Apparently, the big white thing under NERV was the last thing to get into the Tree of Life. Unfortunately, all she wanted was Cheese Whiz, and PenPen figured out that the world would be pretty screwy if everything was cheesy, so he kicked her out and buried her down there. However, for some obscene and confusing reason (Gendo never really got into basics, so we just have to take his word as a genius), if they stuck someone in there, that person could immolate everyone’s souls in a big egg where they could have a panoramic view of Earth and be happy, depending on one what that person threw in there.

Without further ado, while people in giant robots fought kamikaze eyeball-things, Gendo and co. signed off on the government paperwork. Meanwhile, Shinya took a “class survey” to see what they should include in the HIP, though all that established was that sex was number one on the list, and that daily orgies would be unanimously appreciated. Keel, who for some reason the only one who figured out why Rei was stalking Gendo naked, told her that when they told her to she had to jump naked into the white thing’s...lower orifice, which brought a raised eyebrow even from Keel himself, who didn’t really have much of an eyebrow in the first place. Still, it was generally agreed that she would have better success and be less likely of coming up with her own ideas to throw in.

But, at the last minute, things went all wrong. The German chick had just been put out of action (Thankfully) by Kurata Shinya and PenPen’s conspiracy, involving one of PenPen’s Angels projecting an image of a nearly-naked Shinya into her Evangelion and giving her mental trauma. Due to earlier circumstances involving a satanic robot spy trying to sneak into their stores of laxatives, Gendo had installed multiple defensive perimeters at the bottom of NERV (Called Terminal Dogshit, because that’s what it smelled like) and also killed two birds with one stone by using the robot to perfect some wild and crazy interdimensional travel machine he’d made up. The 17th Angel, who turned out to be the homosexual kid, had run straight down for the LCL without noticing the trip wires, flipped over, and smashed his head open on the ground. Shinya, meanwhile, was teaching Gendo’s worthless son how to masturbate over comatose chicks. All was well.

Until Kaji pointed out that someone, not one of the Eva-piloting kids, could get into the Tree and they wouldn’t have to use HIP anymore. That was when PenPen decided to play cheap and say that the wire killed the last Angel, not the humans, and promptly pull a bunch of b*tchy old ladies out of his ass and turn them into black-winged, harpy-like monsters. This immediately sparked the Evangelion Units to go and attack, much to everyone’s horror. Much to everyone’s delight, they promptly dismembered the psychopathic chick. Much to everyone’s annoyance, Shinji decided to continue the fight.

Fortunately, PenPen decided to end the carnage at last. Unfortunately, the birds took that as a sign to grab the bratty kid and transport him straight to the Tree, leaving the mech behind. It was about then that PenPen noted that Yui was in the purple robot (No one made a Tinky Winky joke in front of Gendo), causing her husband and Bozo to charge for it. As they neared, though, Bozo Fuyu pulled off his face to reveal THAT HE WAS A YAUTJA!!! Horrified, Gendo froze, and Bozo grabbed the mech and ran off to the Tree with it!

Just about then, the Xilian Leader teleported in from Earth-1. While the events behind this are explained in another story, in essence, people of great uberness gravitate together. Shinya, of course, was currently poking around Terminal Dogshit looking for more chicks to have happy time over, and thus did not come. Either way, Gendo forced the Xilian Leader and PenPen to take him to the Tree of Life, which happened to be an overgrown palm tree on the coast.

As Shinji prepared to become an immortal, Bozo Fuyu ripped off his Yautja pants and was about to put his disgusting bird to work on Evangelion Unit-01 when Gendo broke a world record. Standing at a distance of 300 meters, Gendo took a shot with his pistol that blew Fuyu’s dick straight off!

It was about then that Shinji somehow decided the world would be better with everyone as laxatives, then promptly ran to the beach with the psycho chick (Who somehow survived) and proceeded to screw her right there and then. Fearing for their sanity, Gendo, Shinya, and the Xilian Leader formed the first part of the NSDA and used Gendo’s machine to run to Earth-3.

There, they owned Satan, chased Davy Stoned into the past, and struggled as they were attacked on both sides between Myrrh and Stoned. However, Gendo still kept his importance, as he proposed the alliance against Whoreon that formed the full NSDA and turned what would have been a really climatic final battle into an anticlimactic one by throwing a N2 mine into the mass of soldiers, killing tons and leaving almost no survivors.

[HyperGFreak]

Some more info past the unification of the NSDA is required to get in Evangelion Unit-007, however. Gendo later returned with his NSDA buddies to Earth-2 to see the aftermath, where he was met by Kaji. Apparently, just as Shinji decided to turn everyone into tang, Kaji decided to use HIP and see what happened. Unfortunately, HIP went much slower than Shinji’s wish and ended up only saving Rei and Kaji. Keel survived by regenerating his entire body, and you just can’t turn God into mush, so there were only four major survivors on the planet, not including the two kids still screwing each other on the beach. They had set up New NERV in Las Vegas-2’s Luxor.

When Gendo discovered that the hell on Earth had ended up tossing Unit-01 into space, he went into shock, and dragging him along, the NSDA battled their way to Las Vegas, where Lucy decided to show his ugly mug a second time and bring out an army of zombies to fight. In response, Kelazzo, Frenzy, Myrrh, and Davy Stoned began to repeatedly whoop his ass, but being able to walk out of the underworld whenever he chose, they weren’t able to keep him down for long. Meanwhile, Keel decided to see if he could turn mush back into people by using the HIP again.

At this point, Gendo jacked a ship from the Xilian Leader and flew into space to recover the Unit-01 before bringing it back to terra firma and climbing into it. The sheer oddness of Gendo getting into her caused the mech to literally mutate and become more Gendo-ish, and he would have stayed there the whole day if Lucy hadn’t made the mistake of stepping on the mech’s leg and scratching the armor.

Gendo stood up, blew Lucy’s head off with the positron rifle, and went berserk, easily holding all the resurrected Lucys at bay until the HIP was activated. After that, it was discovered that their once-panoramic view now consisted of a dead planet, the decision to send Earth-2’s pitiful population to Earth-3 was made, leaving behind a decimate dimension. It is believed that Lucy now uses it as his summer home.

Currently, Gendo and co. have another NERV in our Germany, though of course none of us know about it due to the fact that it’s deep underground. In his free time, Gendo shines Evangelion Unit-007’s armor, spends time doing God knows what inside it, staring at people, and going to party halls. He also rigs the Online Hentai Association sites with condom adware once in a blue moon.

Attacks:

Spectacle Bolts:
Evangelion Unit-007 can fire twin beams of whitish energy from her eyes. These have a split-second of charge time and use very little energy overall, with the approximate range, power, and explosiveness of Moguera’s eye beams. Because Gendo seems to stare at the target through his glasses before doing this, it has been conjectured that Gendo is actually the driving force behind this attack.

AT Orbs:
Before anything goes any further, an AT Field is something that we all have. We may not know it, but our souls project AT Fields to protect us from harm, death, and Davy Stoned’s soul-stealing. Unfortunately, since half of us can’t use it well, scientists call it adrenaline. If someone (like Davy) penetrates your field, you either turn into LCL, mush, or beet juice, one of them. AT stands for Absurd Turbulence.

Some special people, like Gendo, can actually use their AT Fields offensively as well as defensively. His Eva is one of those special people...or things, as she can launch orbs of yellowish energy without any charge time from her shoulder panels (Which swivel forwards) or her mouth. These have incredible kinetic force and can punch holes straight through almost anything, and travel pretty dang fast.

Swiss Army Prog:
Another note: “Progressive” weapons involve something sharp vibrating at a ridiculously fast speed so that it glows orange, allowing it to cut through armor like...a knife through armory butter. Yummy. Gendo and his Eva have a Swiss Army Prog, though closer inspection reveals the line on its underside, “Product of China.” Mmm. Anyway, being a Swiss Army Prog, Gendo can flick out a Prog Knife with a surprisingly long range, about half the Eva’s height. On his command, Unit-007 can also pull out Progressive Daggers, Progressive Scissors, Progressive Toothpicks, Progressive Shavers, Progressive Can-Openers, and surprisingly, Progressive Castrators. If all are released at once, the mech can throw a Progressive Blade Disc at people.

Lance of Longinus:
A whole long time ago, a guy used the analogy for sex: “THE GOLDEN SPEAR OF PLEASURE STABBED INTO HER BODY!!!” PenPen the deity decided to replicate that artistic language, creating a two-pronged, crimson spear, about forty meters in length, that is also hidden with Unit-007’s body. The lance has an elastic strap around her wrist to prevent it from being lost, and can be thrown to stab into people. The lance induces great lust in those struck, preventing them from struggling much, and can also be charged with explosive energy.

N2 Grenades:
N2 Mines are on par with nukes, resembling cylindrical explosives. When Gendo pops a grenade outta his Eva, it has a five second fuse before it explodes with a fifty meter, spherical radius and the power of a Spiral Grenade Missile. He can throw these ridiculously far, and keeps about five or so in his Eva. N2 stands for Nicely Nude.

Machine Gun:
Aside from being an effective stabbing weapon, Gendo’s machine gun has enough ammo for about fifteen consecutive seconds of firing, and has two reloading cartridges stuck on its sides. Despite the short time it has to fire, the gun is pretty damn powerful, essentially a kaiju-sized automatic weapon which does to monsters what its smaller counterpart does to humans. The range and kinetic force is pretty impressive as well, and it can shred most foes with ease. However, it can be countered with an effective enough shield or really damn strong armor, in which case a good, long burst of concentrated fire in one spot is needed to penetrate. It is also durable and can be used as a shield, like the rifle.

Positron Rifle:
While not as useful for stabbing, the rifle is powered by two extra-large Duracell batteries. Gendo and his Eva rarely use it, as it takes a ridiculously long time to lock on to targets, a good five seconds or so. However, it’s worth it, for it fires a thin green beam that, while looking relatively impressive, can punch holes straight through pretty much anything, and explodes in its wake, making large craters. Unfortunately, because the Energizer Bunny isn’t in the area, it takes a while to recharge. It can be noted that it can be fired without locking on, but the recoil makes it hard to control at anything besides point-blank range. When fired locked on, the beam will literally curve like a Corona Beam to hit its target.

Abilities:

Incredible Strength:
Like all other Evangelion Units, Evangelion Unit-007 has incredible strength. However, because Gendo apparently does nothing to help and has no synch ratios whatsoever, Unit-007’s strength is only about 80% of a berserk Eva’s, meaning while formidable in melee, and near unbeatable because she does not feel pain nor exhaustion, she cannot defy the laws of physics...on her own.

Incredibly Agility/Levitation:
On her own, Unit-007 can leap, jump and dodge at great speeds, allowing her to run/strafe rings around a foe. In a straight line, on a sprint, she can actually reach speeds of Mach 3...on her own. When she isn’t, she can reach Mach 4. Also, she can also leap ridiculously high, so it appears that she flies. When her “wings” are out, she can levitate in place/glide slowly downwards, depending on the situation.

Spouse Bond:
The fighting style of Gendo and his wife is actually quite unique. While not as powerful as one, Evangelion Unit-007 fights like a feral, berserk Evangelion while Gendo watches on in interest. However, she will not utilize any of her weapons...unless Gendo manually does it with his controls or orders her too. The two apparently have some way of communication unknown to us (Presumably psychic powers) that allows Gendo to issue orders to Unit-007. Sometimes he says them out loud, too. Since Gendo isn’t fighting, he can also keep an eye out from almost everywhere and come up with his own genius strategies, or just point things out, ranging from:

“Enemy closing from behind.”
“Use the Machine Gun.”
“Toss a Grenade at his head.”
“Stab his head! No, not your teeth, use the Prog – that’s right! IMPALE the motha f*cka!”
“Yui, look. There’s Aoba and his guitar right over there on the right. Wave to Elvis!”

Gendo does little else...until...

Boozerker Mode:
In all technicality, while she bleeds like a Mass Produced Eva, Unit-007 barely feels pain, being a robot. Gendo, having no synch ratio whatsoever, does not feel pain either. But being the devoted husband he is, the moment Yui suffers extensive damage, Gendo takes over. During this, Gendo loses all resemblance of sanity and literally goes berserk. In this, the Eva reaches a state of 100% berserk power, enhanced agility, and the ability to look really pissed in the face. Of course, Gendo becomes incoherent and begins screaming curses which can be heard miles away, and fights like a friggin’ wild animal, more so than his Eva does normally. Unfortunately, in this state, he does no regeneration whatsoever, uses no weapons whatsoever (Even his Eva knows when to use the Progs occasionally), and will take hits as if they never happened...which isn’t always a good thing. He calms down relatively easy, though.

AT Field:
Evangelion Unit-007 can generate yellow concentric pulses, called an AT Field. This is a useful shield that blocks all attacks and that comes from the central S2 engine. Once again, due to Gendo barely helping, repeated abuse can bring it down. However, when it goes down, Unit-007 doesn’t turn into goop, merely having to wait for it recharge. If one is hit by the Field when it first shoots out of the engine, it will smash the foe away with incredibly kinetic force.

Beam Reflect:
Like King Caesar, energy attacks are attracted to the central eye of Evangelion Unit-007. They are then sucked in, before being used to power the Eye Beams of the Eva. It can be noted that Gendo himself must decided to stare directly at the foe and somehow suck the beams in through the Eva into his awesome spectacles, before giving the energy to the Eva itself. It can also suck up other attacks, such as fire, electricity, charged particles, and more, but beams are the only ones that can be utilized efficiently.

Mental Abilities:
Within the Eva, Gendo can use various hand gestures to unleash his mental powers. They are as follows:
1) If Gendo touches his hand to his nose briefly and smirks, it means, “Use the AT Field.”
2) If Gendo folds his hands beneath his nose and wiggles his fingers like manhoods, it means that he will soon use a Gravity Tornado-like form of telekinesis on his enemies.
3) If Gendo puts his hands under his chin and stares at someone, it means he’ll rape their brain...literally. Gendo will cause severe cranial damage, actually sparking blood to leak from facial orifices and intense pain.
4) And if Gendo stands up and starts giving stuff the bird, it means he’s ready to go boozerk.

Living Machine:
Evangelion Unit-007 is a living machine, meaning that she doesn't get tired, but she isn't going to run out of batteries, either. When slashed, she also sprays blood everywhere, though she doesn't suffer from blood loss. She, in essence, thinks and acts for herself, with suggestions from Gendo.

In Fantasy Matches, she also has access to a relatively fast form of regeneration that actually forces Gendo to be concentrating on it. Once he does that, white sparks will reform any damages dealt to her at about 1/2 the speed that Unit-01 regenerated her wrist armor while whooping on Sachiel. This can regenerate plenty of things, from many small gashes to limb removal, though obviously the latter will take longer.

Inter-NSDA Relationships:
Not surprisingly, Gendo is the guy who doesn’t talk much...but when he does, it’s usually important. He bluntly ignores the majority of other NSDA members, remaining to his own devices. Minor exceptions include Shinya, who he coldly greets on sight, and Frenzy the Mini-Con, who he has grudging admiration for, seeing how the midget penetrated all the way into NERV before Gendo caught him and hurled him into the past.

Major exceptions include Myrrh, who he acts incredibly nice to in accordance to Yui’s wishes. Davy claims that this is because Myrrh, who desperately wants to lose her virginity, is in Gendo’s eyes would have been a much better child than his pathetic, wussy, psycho-chick–loving dumbass son, Shinji. Gendo and Davy are also good friends, both having “suffered the ravages of love,” and play poker on a regular basis. Gendo has no particular dislike for anyone except Master Papaya, whom he accuses of pedophilia and going against Yui’s ideas.