Hyper vs. PyroKaiju: The big 'bot vs. the big dino

[HyperGFreak]

Hyper: Evangelion Unit-007

vs.

PK: Cronos

Arena: Sin City, baby...

Type: Normal

Random Fact: Michael Jackson can break dance

Ref: That annoying teacher's pet...erm, Monster Master

Right, ref, put that apple on my desk and START THE MORTAL KOMBAT!!! YEAH!!!

[Monster Master]

*Pet punts Hyper's nuts off.*

Intros. Now. Bitches.

[PyroKaiju]

Cronos stomped past one of the large glowing structures in Vegas. He could not grasp why exactly these appealed to humans, but he then again, he really didn't care. But he did care that he was in for a fight.

[HyperGFreak]

Shit, I hate it when those nuts go rollin’ under that bookcase... *Gets down on hands and knees*



Cronos storms past many glowing buildings, terrifying gamblers, making lovemakers going wild in skyrise hotels by the window wet themselves more than they already have, and making the people in the fancy restaurants question what EXACTLY they’ve been drinking all night long. However, his ignorance of why the buildings appeal to humanity is just sheer folly. Sure, most of them appealed because of aesthetic reasons, because a giant rectangle appears sexy to them, or because they just have this strange obsession with going to large cities and squandering approximately ninety-eight point five percent of their total annual income...

…or, perhaps, because of nostalgic, non-sexual reasons, as was the way with a group of six beings that reside deep below one of the most unique structures of Las Vegas. The ebony pyramid of glass, its monolithic glass light on top and the aura of the surroundings reflected off its shiny surface, stands tall and alone in the Sin City.

The “new” SEELE’s members, quite unfortunately, have been unable to find their magical neon glow-in-the-dark tables again on our earth, so instead they had to make do with six ping-pong tables strung with those super-size bulging neon lightbulbs. As Cronos’s steps shatter windows and break glass, cause heart attacks and ruin those nice streets paid for with taxpayer dollars, the final member steps into the dimly lit chamber via an elevator door on the far wall. Clad all in black, white gloves on his hands and opaque glasses on his face, Gendo Ikari, supreme commander and break-dancer of New NERV, steps into the room.

He takes the seat at the last empty desk, bending forwards and crossing his arms in front of him, gloves before his face, not saying a word. The others in the room observe him for a second, before one man decides to get the ball rolling. His rectangular face glowing in the cheesy Wal-Mart 99 cents for one box lights, his eyes covered in X-men Cyclops-style glasses, he looks at his comrades over his shoulder and pounds his ping-pong table with his cyborg fist, causing it to jerk ominously. “What are we waiting for?” he barks in his stiff monotone. “Let’s get out there and fight it!”

“Oh, no way, dude,” Ryoji Kaji retorts from opposite him. Reclining in the seat as if he were on a tropical beach somewhere and surrounded by women, the superspy flicks his ponytail, smiling calmly, and fixates the other with a grin. “Keel, man, let’s just wait it out down here, it’ll be nicer, guy can’t hit us.”

“PUSSY!” the cyborg roars, punching his fist on the table and causing it to buckle. “OH F*CK!”

“Come on,” a fourth speaker says, a naked gray-haired youth with angel wings states. He stands behind a fourth table, the luminescence and position fortunately obscuring parts usually not viewed by other men. Still, his hands are held out in an almost-crucifix like position, and he fixes Kaji with a serene look. “It’s good to be altruistic, give love, just like I love you all here.”

“Cover your god damn tits, Tabris!” Keel snarls.

The “angel” makes no attempt to cover his painfully obvious man-boobs and turns to his right. “I’m sure the boss agrees with me.”

The table at first appears deserted, until a penguin with what appears to be a refrigerator strapped to its backside bounds onto the table and waggles its flippers at Kaji in the Happy Feet equivalent of the middle finger. The spy throws his hands in surrender. “Fine, dammit, Gendo, go and get in your Eva! Not my fault if we interrupt this meeting here…thought this was for vacation purposes...”

Gendo stands up wordlessly and heads back to the elevator amidst the distant crunching footfalls, his hands shoved into pockets.

“Wait!” Keel snaps. “We need to make it unanimous!”

The five all turn and stare at a sixth member, his head bowed over the table and a glittering purple top hat on his head. They wait expectantly in silence, when suddenly the man leaps up, revealing haggard hair and a pale white face. “IT’S THRILLER, YAH THRIL-LER!”

“Take that as a yes,” Keel grunts to Gendo.


Minutes later, as Cronos makes a second pass or whatever down his happy walk past the Luxor, he suddenly sees something that presumably piques his interest, unless there is something so wrong with him that a mental therapist would be required, but that is aside the point. Suddenly revealing its true nature to the horrified guests inside, the Luxor unfolds like a massive jack-in-the-box in seconds, each wall flapping down to lie on the ground and forming a four-pointed flower pattern. From within, a semi-bulky machine, ochre and onyx, leaps straight up, blitzing over Cronos’s head before the Luxor shuts again.

The machine smashes down hard on the Strip and slides for a good six to seven hundred meters, carving furrows into the ground. Unlike any normal machine, though, this one is already stooped and raring to go at Cronos, her feral head slavering and slowly edging forwards, held in check by only one thing.

Unlike somewhat stupid mech engineers who lock themselves in Kiryu and then suffer severe concussions and testicular damage with every other step, Gendo has not felt anything adverse from the swift movements made by Evangelion Unit-007, even upon heavy impact with the earth. Insulated by liquid in the Eva’s groin, his “entry plug” does not move at all, held in place and bobbing gently. He sits in a reclining chair, hands still folded, before a control panel in a fancy room, surrounded on all sides by wall monitors showing the red leaf and text of his organization.

As if on cue, the monitors suddenly blink out to show a 3D, panoramic view of the area around Unit-007, front, sides, and rear, as if he were the machine himself. Gendo observes that Cronos does quite possibly have a side advantage, but that is nothing special. He twitches a finger and toggles a lever, causing what little data assimilated on Cronos at the moment to form before him in a tiny model on the control panel, revolving to show the beast from all angles.

Finally, he twitches his head slightly and speaks to his technician in a small desktop speaker. “Aoba,” he whispers silkily. “All systems go?”

“You are online, dude,” the Elvis-wannabe drawls. “Get ready to rumble, let the chords of your wonderful music play to your fans in the chorus of your carnage, in the joyous cacophony of the combat that will play the harp of your-”

“Enough.” Gendo shuts Aoba up and reaches to a mini-fridge in the plug behind him, removing and taking half a sip of some cheap shit Japanese beer before tossing it into a cupholder under his desk.

“Just watch the guy, mmkay?” Aoba states as an afterthought. “Don’t know much about him, but his strings are, like, out of tune, you know? Just like that whore who seems legit, but then you know...SHE HAS STDS! This guy may have some crap up his sleeve...”

Gendo briefly acknowledges this, then turns his attention back to Cronos...

[Monster Master]

FIGHTZORZ!

[HyperGFreak]

Gendo has no intention of letting his foe get the first hit in, hoping to finish him before he can pull any tricks, and so the government worker reaches forwards, heading for a greenish button glowing on the dash. Knowing what is to come, Evangelion Unit-007 aligns herself with the somewhat caught off guard Cronos and swivels her shoulder “wing” panels so that they face Cronos with their main parts, opening her maw as she does so.

“AT Field going offensive,” he states bluntly for the benefit of all the onlookers in the control rooms as he taps the luminescent switch.

The sphere embedded in the chest of Evangelion Unit-007 flickers and flashes, sparking a mustard yellow and with opaque waves washing over her, before the entire machine jerks. A darkish orange pulsation materializes before her, originating about ten meters out before the central “core” of a sort. Almost creating hexagonal shielding that washes around her, before it suddenly switches to three central pulses, one centering each before her maw and one before each panel.

Then they discharge, the three orangish pulses rocketing forwards. The pulsing Absurd Turbulence field literally elongates and skims forwards at a baffling speed, the epicenters of the trio of pulses heading for the target with the rest of the attack flickering behind, the farthest back of the produced soul-energy dissipating into thin air as they stretch towards the dinosaur.

The most prepared mental warriors can take the defenses their soul has thoughtfully provided for them and use it defend. Cronos apparently has no clue what an AT field is, as the bolts hit their target. One of them smashes into his upper right torso, and despite his tough armor, shatters it like glasses and penetrates into his body. A yellowish glow is seen around the area, then something rips out of his back, spraying sinew and blood vessels into the air.

Everyone has a brief view of Cronos with a hole punched straight through his shoulder, almost like an absurd shish-kabob with the sky showing at the other end, and the dinosaur roars and flails. This causes the second AT Bolt to miss, and the third to hit him square in the side. This time, his armor makes an impact, strong enough to have the bolt punch halfway through him and fade, leaving a crusty, bleeding hole about twenty meters across.

As the dinosaur lets his agony be known, Gendo says one word, to no one in particular. “Go.”

“What?” Keel roars from the control room. “You want to play a board game? NOW!?”

The others get the gist, as Evangelion Unit-007 storms forwards, giving Cronos only half a second to blink as she plows into him at approximately Mach 3.14, a nasty body blow that sends both of them tumbling down the streets, knocking over a billboard and stopping in front of Circus Circus with Unit-007 on top of Cronos. With one hand, she grasps his head; with the other, she makes to give him the biggest black eye ever since the time his big brother whipped a fastball into it.

[PyroKaiju]

Cronos' eyes suddenly flash green. The attacks were just what Cronos needed to set him off into a fit of dinosaurian rage. Moving his head quickly, Cronos catches the Eva's hand in his gaping jaws and clamps down on it. Hard. Pushing Gendo away with a massive foot, Cronos swung his opponent into the air. However, he did not release eva-007 from his vice jaws and pulled back down on the Eva. The titanic cyborg went sent crashing into the street below, creating a giant, Eva shaped crater.

[HyperGFreak]

(Argh...when did ya post...)

Even as the Evangelion’s form smashes hard on the ground, making a nice snow – erm, cement angel imprint and sending shards of shattered ground into the air to rain down on the two combatants, Gendo just reaches for his bottle of cheap beer and takes a second sip. He pauses for a moment, seemingly oblivious to the carnage about to being in earnest, though truth be told, it didn’t really matter. The back screens gave a panoramic view of the ground while the front was covered in smoke.

Gendo turns the bottle around ponderously and observes the label on the back, muttering a few comments to himself in Japanese, before hurling the can back into the fridge. Placing his now empty gloved hands on the desk before him, he asks to no one in particular, “How do the technicians stomach that shit?”

Aoba screams over the radio, “Oh, F*CK!”

“I fail to see how having sex has to do with swallowing horrible booze,” Kaji comments mildly, but it is soon discovered that the interjection was more relating to what Unit-007 had done in retaliation while Gendo was sipping.

Still in range, still attached to Evangelion Unit-007, Cronos has suffered a severe amount of ouchies. Ignoring the small trickles of liquid oozing from her arm in a manner only a painless robot can, Unit-007 flips over and stands up, dragging Cronos straight up with her. With her left foot, she straddles the dinosaur, one leg hooked around his neck; with the other, she snakes it around his right leg.

Cronos starts to growl, but Evangelion Unit-007 shuts him up with two pulverizing, flesh-bruising blows to the chin with her free hand, before pressing it between his jaws and beginning to apply pressure. Stuff jerks and twitches, as the dinosaur fights to keep his maw shut, but the inexorable force of a machine has the advantage, and the moment her arm is free, she shoves it back in, now levering the dinosaur’s jaw open to great proportions. The dinosaur twitches, roars, and falls back, his overopened jaw spraying blood in multiple directions. As he does so, Evangelion Unit-007 rolls beneath him in perfect Dead or Alive style pose, still entwined pretzel-like, and presses his head to his legs best she can, arching his back until agony ratchets through his frame and gore oozes from both orifices.

Dropping him to the ground, Evangelion Unit-007 lifts up his tail and tries to stick her nasal horn UP YER ARSE!!!

[PyroKaiju]

Suddenly, the horn was stopped. Arcing bolts of blue energy had begun to envelope Unit-007. Cronos himself gradually began to remove his body from the Eva's area. unit-007 found that it could not move its body one centimeter. Cronos floated up and landed back onto his feet. Despite the blood seeping from his jaws and his other minor wounds, the fight had only just begun.

With the Eva firmly secured with his energy bolts, Cronos' eyes glowed a bright neon green. The ground began to quake. Without warning, Cronos lifted up his right foot and stomped it down onto the street below. A giant fissure split open and rushed directly at Unit-007. Cronos released the Eva just in time for it to be consumed by the earthquake.

[HyperGFreak]

“OH F*CK!” Aoba yells. “I told you this guy was messed! Just like that feeling you have when you’re next to a stoner, you know? Well, fine, it’s the breath you smell, but whatever...”

Cronos’s energized hold suddenly falters, though, as Gendo lets out a small smile within the cockpit, folding his hands before his face and not making any apparent effort. Still, his brow half-furrows, and his glasses go opaque, countering the attack with his own particular style. Despite being able to move again due to telekinesis pushing her, Evangelion Unit-007 now has to deal with the large fissure rushing towards her. Even as she falls into it, she throws out her arms and lets her legs dangle beneath her.

Feasibly, she could have seized the edges of the altogether massive gap. Instead, though, floating in this crucifix pose, she levitates over the brink, then slowly rises back up, dropping back down on land with some new armored dings and dents being her only new damages.

“Hit him hard, full weaponry!” Keel snarls. “Hit him as if he screwed your wife, hard and rough, just like you did her last night-”

“Shut the hell up!” Gendo roars back, reaching out even as he does so to tap a button. “How can I f*ck a giant robot, dammit?”

Outside, the conversation might have dragged Cronos and Unit-007 into it had it gone on long enough. As it was, Evangelion Unit-007 threw out an arm, the black, thick barrel on it sliding forwards to point straight at Cronos’s chest. The dinosaur begins to focus on the tip, but too late; the kaiju-class machine gun beings to fire, ripping Cronos a new face, chest, internal construct, and possibly his ass.

With rapidly flickering flames tearing out of the automatic weapon, Unit-007 grips it in her other hand and moves it up and down, left and right, strafing the dinosaur. His rock-hard armor may have been present, but then again, a knight in shining armor would still suffer difficulties against today’s guns. His defenses crack and rupture, spraying out blood as the four second or so burst rips his front side to bits. Chunks of his armor flies out, and sinew and blood vessels splatter and fling out in little bits as more bullets tear through his ripped front to pound into his innards.

As Cronos rears back, oozing from multiple places, Unit-007 retracts the gun and busts out the Longinus and the Swiss Army Prog, advancing menacingly on Cronos.

“I was not having ‘happy time,’ as you so eloquently put it, in the plug last night, you dumbass!” Gendo screams back to the control room.

[PyroKaiju]

OOC: Jeez, Hyper...think you could let up a little on the gore? I mean Cronos is armored...

Regaining his composure back, Cronos ignored his many wounds and concentrated on Unit-007. The two giant armored plates on his thighs, adorned with massive green crystal like structures, glowed for the quickest of instances. Suddenly, two massive green energy beams surged forth, crashing into the Eva before it could even touch Cronos. The two beams sent the Eva flying away and propelled through at least two hotels and a casino. Unit-007 landed in a smoking heap.

Cronos did not approach. He knew already that this thing, whatever it was, was deadly at close range and also dangerous at long. He waited for its next move.

[HyperGFreak]

OOC: Bleh, as long as the bullet penetrates, blood would still be everywhere, regardless of the wound size...but yeah, I’ll cut back if ya want, just explain when it splurts and not how.

Cronos, rather unfortunately, has made the mistake of leaving Evangelion Unit-007 alone for too long, though to his credit, getting knocked smack dab through a casino and two hotels - one of which looked strangely like the MGM – would normally put most enemies down. Whether or not he could have moved when the still slightly smoking Evangelion Unit-007 rolls up and towards him, Prog and Lance in each hand is a moot point, though, for he is suddenly immobilized, frozen by someone else’s telekinesis...Gendo’s.

Before the uber-dino can collect himself and perform the requisite countering of the mental hold, the Eva is atop of him...or rather, below him, as she slides in like a baseball player, ignorant of one of the techie’s cheesy scream of “She slides home! It’s a homer!”

One of her three-taloned foot smash into Cronos’s left foot, upturning him, while she uses her other leg, drawn in to her body, to pivot her mechanical frame and what remains of Cronos’s balance out from under him. As the dinosaur starts to fall down towards her, belly-first, she whips out the Prog, and Gendo suddenly reaches forwards in the plug, taking over some controls and moving the Prog up. The Eva does the rest, slashing at the belly with the armor-penetrating vibrating katana-esque weapon.

Bright orange crescents swoop and swerve around beneath the dinosaur’s belly, a rapid-fire barrage of seven or eight hits connecting in conjunction with an apt spark shower that ricochets down on the robot, each blow knocking Cronos higher and allowing Unit-007 to eventually juggle him. After about two or three seconds of this “uber-combo,” he rolls out and allows the dinosaur to drop belly-first onto the ground, bouncing once or twice.

“Impressive,” Gendo intones, as footage of the attack replays before his face. The armor managed to absorb and defend against the vibrating blade multiple times, taking deep scores only, though the knife managed to do its own job in other places, with five or six lacerations along the length of Cronos’s underside oozing out from under his splayed body.

With a wry smile, Gendo hits a button, and Unit-007 flips the Prog’s blade back in and reverses with an extendable pincer claw, clacking the glowing Progressive Castrator as she advances on Cronos’s behind...

[PyroKaiju]

OOC: What is it with you and the behind>

The Eva would be stopped short in its attack as a sudden lightning bolt struck it solidly in the right shoulder. Another one flashed down from the sky, miraculously arching and hitting Unit-007 square in the stomach area. The blow was enough to knock it away. Unit-007 (and Gendo no doubt) would notice though that it was a perfectly clear day outside.

Another bolt struck the bot, as Cronos rose up. eyes aglow, he kept a steady barrage of bolts striking the machine. Cronos released a saurian death roar. To his right, a Hard Rock Cafe begin to quiver. The giant guitar on it was slowly yanked free of its restraints. The mammoth Gibson of doom floated through the air, towards Cronos. he pointed the body of the guitar at Unit-007. Suddenly, the guitar surged forward straight at the Eva.

[HyperGFreak]

Just as the guitar is about to connect, however, that giant MnM pinned to the side of the building decides to pull a statue, a la mode the end of Harry Potter 5, and throw itself in the way of the incoming projectile so as to intercept and save Evangelion Unit-007 from a lot of unnecessary damage!! Well, not really, but levitated as it is by Gendo’s telekinesis, the big green candy is torn off the wall and flies into the way of the giant musical instrument, causing an explosion of tiny little bits and chunks to fall all over the place.

“OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Aoba screamed from inside NERV. “NOT THE GUITAR, DEAR GAWD NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”

Gendo, ignoring this sheer idiocy, leaps high over the head of Cronos, twirling in mid-air and having his mech prepare its big, twin-pronged spear for combat. Cronos, while a good fighter overall, can’t turn fast enough, and Evangelion Unit-007 bends and dips beneath his tail, the Lance of Longinus held in her claw.

With a rather nasty squelching sound, the weapon of phallic representation slides all the way up Cronos’s asscrack and deep into his body. Cronos starts to writhe as various bits and pieces pour out of his butt, giving him the worst case of hemorrhoids he has ever had, but suddenly all the pain is gone. All that is left is bliss...the sheer, untamed bliss of a wet dream! Cronos’s eyes glaze over as he imagines mating with another dinosaur of his kind, nature’s own way of preventing a species from extinction being played against him.

Quickly, Gendo taps a button, and shockwaves of energy travel from the Eva’s wrist cord down the Lance and into Cronos’s inner body, causing a potent, if muffled, explosion. In several places on the outside, armor chips, and in some cases even bursts outwards in a shower of red. Gendo now extricates the Lance, leaving Cronos in the extent of dino “happy time,” and then lets Unit-007 grab his throat and lean towards it with a gaping maw, as she’s feelin’ a bit “horny...”

[PyroKaiju]

Cronos spat a gout of flame, enveloping Unit-007's head in fire. The sudden attack, blinding light, and immense heat caused it to release Cronos from its grip. Cronos continued with a tail smack to Unit-007's head, knocking the enemy down into a patch of random palm trees. Once more, Cronos' eyes glowed green. And then, literally, from nowhere, a small tornado manifested. The swirling weather creation flew onto Eva, throwing debris about its body and moving the Eva's body in ways it shouldn't.